Disgust of the Crack
by MerhppDerhpp
Summary: "I have never been interested in intercourse myself until I met you," was his tame response. She sobbed in despair and revulsion. [Crack. AU. Insert OC.]
1. Pew-Pew Stick!

**A/N:** Warning: It's crack. There is no plot. There is no sense. The sense of randomness is strong.

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Orochimaru, in her opinion, was disgusting. Like, gut-wrenching automatic gag reflex disgusting. The kind of disgust that could impede one's life because it was almost as intense as hatred.

One would assume it was because he was unethical in his experiments and was without the proverbial moral compass. One would also possibly assume it was because he had the reputation of being a paedophile with a freakishly long tongue, at least in her world. The freakishly long tongue _was_ disgusting though.

However, Orochimaru was disgusting because he was attractive in the way of being an effeminate pretty boy with softer features rather than sharp angles and gaunt cheeks with added villain hair. He was like a Final Fantasy character in the flesh, just with more villain flair.

Orochimaru was disgusting because he was capable of _feeling_. Particularly, for her. It was a go-to thought if she wanted to instinctively gag and chant that she wanted to die. Well, it was one of many because she remembered drowning during a curious attempt to do the glob-globbing. Making of the out. French kissing? Whatever. She just couldn't see the pleasantry of exchanging saliva. It was gross and literally sickening.

Orochimaru had the feels. Which, whilst a strange sentence on its own, wouldn't be too bad if it were someone else. Anyone else. _Orochimaru had the feels for her._

She was hailed as legendary for having a wonderful face of pure disgust in her original world, which she utilised quite often. It was close to becoming her default, really.

In her head, it was justifiable because an attractive, reptilian, scientific, thought-to-be sociopathic and villainous fictional-character-turned-real thought of her has a prospective mate or some other absurd shit. It made her feel like the sociopathic one because she didn't care about anyone to such a capacity, let alone _him_.

There was a possibility in that line of thought, actually. It was probably one of the reasons why the weirdo had a thing for her. He was more than likely attracted to 'weird' and since she was literally from another world, it made some kind of sense. Or maybe it was because of that weird genetic thing where people were attracted to people who resembled one another, because apparently she looked like a darker, less reptilian and female version of Orochimaru according to the Hokage. Unless he meant that she was similar in personality, because she was brown and he was basically some pallid grey shit. She decided that she'd rather not care about finding out to see if that was true or not.

There were more important things to worry about. Like food, being immortal, rooming with creepy snake men who _felt_ for her. That was rather high on her list, actually. She might have to kill someone if he confessed his love or some shit. That would be traumatising. She would probably vomit. Vomiting hurt, so she'd rather not.

But then, there was the fact that he legitimately wanted to tie himself to her in the legal sense of the word and create human-snake hybrid babies with her in the conventional fashion. Which was gross and would be sickeningly sweet if the situation was not the situation that it was. That meant that it would _never_ be sweet in any way.

"You're a virgin, aren't you?" he asked her, in that blatant sort of manner that inclined her to believe that her roommate was socially stunted. He even did the peculiar head tilt that he was wont to do, staring with the kind of intensity that was both of adoration and fascination. She expressed on multiple occasions that she wanted to gouge out his eyes, because she had issues and staring was one of them.

She was eating some kind of gummy lolly that she had managed to create in his kitchen, as she was housebound at the time and he spent more time boiling human remains to actually go outside and buy her professionally made lollies. He did try, of course but she had to take the guess that having a freakishly long tongue was murder on the tastebuds. Which meant he was shit at finding quality lollies.

"I am." she confirmed, in a sense at ease with the random line of questioning. "I was never much interested in letting someone put their pew-pew stick inside of me."

There was a dissonance and yet a connection between them, which was probably why he was as attached to her as he was. Shame, truly, because she would probably be more at ease if he were dead. Probably, since he did pay the rent. It would work out somehow.

"Are you?"

She honestly hoped he said yes because it was becoming difficult to temper her imagination. It threatened to spill over and blind her with vivid images that she didn't want nor need. Her stomach clenched in preparation. Then she realised too late, that denying his possession of his virginity was not the worst thing he could say.

"I have never been interested in intercourse myself until I met you." was his tame response.

She sobbed in despair and revulsion.

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 **A/N:** So, this is stress relief because I am working on my other stories that actually have plot and a sense of seriousness. This, more than likely will be random and allow my imagination to just shit all over everything. I decided that I might as well share it with the world. The chapters will be relatively short, I feel, and more likely to update quickly than the rest of my stories for the time being.

For the readers of my other stories or whatever, I _am_ working on a majority of my stories. Though, I'm alternating between them and I'm also being a bitch who needs to re-edit _everything_. I am sorry.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	2. Science Reasons!

**A/N:** I'd like to thank those you have found out this story now exists so quickly. So, you know, thank you.

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She would have thought there would be more chaos in the fictional world of ninja bullshit, but well in a way it was peaceful. If she were to ignore Orochimaru. Except no, because he didn't like being ignored and then he became clingy. A nightmare, truly because it was both gut-wrenching and somewhat comfortable. It tore at her, really.

It was possibly because she was allowed to just chill about Orochimaru's apartment, which she made homey by ruining its meticulous atmosphere. He blinked at it for an entire minute, before he said something along the lines of understanding what it was like to have a wife now.

She had contemplated the idea of throwing her knife at him, but thought better of it. He was nothing like the original in terms of personality, but his skills were top-notch. Her excruciating way of entering his world may have made her indestructible, but effort was still effort. She'd rather not expend that often. Mental exhaustion was a thing.

The fact of the matter was that she was expecting some type of grand and unwelcome adventure that included her being pressured into making moralistic and righteous decisions, which would never work out because she just was not that type of person. She was more of the type to enjoy the world burning down, regardless of whether or not it was her who started the fire. Or lightning, or just abrupt explosions. Either or.

She was also expecting more canon-compliant characters and events, but she was always a fast adapter. It wasn't like she knew too much about what was different from the original and now, because she was confined to a weird reptilian man's apartment, but _that_ was a strong factor as to why she thought it best _not_ to think that his world wasn't fucked sideways.

Still, she could not help but feel the lingering disgust whenever she looked at Orochimaru or simply thought of him. Actually, she realised that she reacted as such to anyone whom she learned had a romantic inclination towards her. It was just much stronger because well, _Orochimaru_. It was her natural reaction, but hopefully she would grow out of it because being disgusted all the time hurt. _Feeling_ was sure to hurt.

"It might be time for you to assimilate among the masses now." some old man's voice told her, which was most definitely the Hokage's. She continued to concentrate on creating her gummy brain, because making gelatine out of human bones and whatnot actually seemed to enhance the flavour. That was nice. It was easier to acquire human bones rather than animal bones since her roommate was a scientific maniac or something.

"That isn't exactly my forte, but if you mean that I can go outside and make conversation with people whom are just as likely to be lacking some perception of sanity as Orochin-chin… good to know. No, really."

Speaking of the tall tongue slut, Orochimaru was never exactly pleased whenever his former teacher would show up unannounced like an old creep, which was understandable because privacy was nice. Orochimaru was like a mentally challenged puppy that drooled bullshit from his mouth, but to everyone else he was apparently a fear-inducing basilisk that could kill someone with a look. _Or_ he was a fear-inducing basilisk that could kill _and_ impregnate someone with a look.

Even the Hokage was wary around his former but somehow still favourite student. That was surprising, because she was sure that he was a moron and therefore should not be capable of being wary of obviously dangerous people. Morons were morons for a reason.

But yes, the reputation of her roommate made him popular in the general sense that he was attractive, strong, legendary, mysterious and alluring. At least that was what he told her when she asked if he was popular among the crowd or not, which of course made her feel like she was about to die of laughter.

He was both pleased and yet not. So he did this weird thing with his tongue that was like wagging his tail but with his tongue through his mouth. _Weird as fuck_.

Tongue fetish? It would be highly unsurprising. Even expected. Her imagination thought it would be simply wonderful for more graphic images with uses of his fire hose-length tongue. _No_. Just… _no_.

The whole fact that he looked young confused her as to whether who was actually older, as neither of them aged and he appeared to be as if he was barely in his twenties. Attractive Voldewhore? She wasn't keen on him finding out her actual age when he asked, so she thought it would be best to give him what she thought was a secretive smile.

He _licked_ her. She screamed.

Then she realised that he was older because though she was biologically eighteen, she was only mentally twenty years of age. So… _gross_. Or not? Because though he was like an old man in the original, she really had no idea of his actual age because for all she knew he could actually be in his early twenties. She decided it was still _gross_ , because Orochimaru from canon.

"We have reason to believe that you truly mean Konoha no harm, after all you have been _here_. In Orochimaru's apartment. For over two years now." the Hokage stated, apparently struggling to speak or he was trying to imply something. She thought it purely for expositional purposes really. She did live within a story after all, the dramatic elements of stories popped up often. It got a bit annoying after a while, and it was _his_ fault that she was stuck in the apartment of a reptilian virgin in the first place. "You are free to act as one of our many civilians and live a peaceful life within Konoha's walls."

"Sure, but you should already know that the amount of fucks I give about Konoha is equivalent to the amount of times Ecchimaru ̶ O _recch_ imaru? ̶ has had sex. Or fellatio. Or a rimjob. Anything sexual in essence." she murmured, in that offhand kind of manner that she generally did. She wasn't exactly sure how much of the world had changed from canon-compliance, but Naruto held a special place in her heart where she wanted it to _burn_. _Fiercely_. Like, she actually might hate it with how much effort she put into disliking it and all its bullshit. It was a shame that the premise of the story was offset by the execution, she thought. "Amalgamation of _bullshit_ , right here."

There was an irony in her world switch. For shame, higher forces, for shame.

"You need to _stop_ trespassing and you need to stop doing it when she's alone." Orochimaru's smooth voice intoned, or threatened. She thought it more youthful and much unlike the horrible sibilant voice of his voice actor. That would push her into attempting to kill him whenever she could, because that would amplify her disgust onto new levels. In all honesty, she had mixed feelings because it was a _nice_ and _attractive_ voice. She really didn't want to use those adjectives on him, but that would be denying the truth.

Then her face morphed in her signature expression of disgust upon realising the implications of her roommate's words. "Kill me." she whispered, looking to the ceiling in mock-prayer. The gelatine bubbled in an ominous fashion. Perhaps a Final Destination moment would happen and burn her eyelids.

"There is physically no way for you to die that I know of, for the moment. Besides, I am not a fan of necrophilia." the immortal-obsessed snake-eyed weirdo told her, what could be considered a pleasant smile plastered on his lips. "I want you alive, for _science_ reasons."

She kneeled down and curled in on herself, feeling overall like she wanted to die because the reptilian freak made constant innuendos. It _hurt_ her, it truly did. It would seem that new worlds meant a switch of pain; physical to mental. One day she was going to just implode, then she'd probably put herself back together. Or the higher forces would. She suspected that they had a sadistic sort of affection for her.

A bird slammed into the window. She forgot they even _had_ a window.

"Right, well. I think it would be best if you were to go outside more, Shun-kun. Maybe purchase more _feminine_ articles of clothing. To wear. Around the apartment." the Hokage suggested, no doubt eying her non-existent posterior before disappearing in a cloud of old man poof when Orochimaru did some kind of growling hiss. She imagined he drooled.

"Perverted creep." muttered the scientific mad man whose genetics might have come from actual snakes. "I brought more bones for you to boil and then consume. Touch me as a reward."

"Touch your pow-pow rod as your reward." she choked out, crawling into the cupboard underneath the kitchen counter. "Preferably away from me so I can neither see you nor hear you."

He hummed in thought. "I should record it then, so you can watch it later." was his nonplussed response, his footfalls silent as he walked away to go touch himself inappropriately. "I will think of you as I do it."

She closed the cupboard door and wished she were dead.

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 **A/N:** Because, as we know, Boruto's era of technology is up to modern standards. The possibilities, am I right?

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	3. Naked Angel Women!

**A/N:** Might as well upload the first three chapters within the first day or so. Updates will probably slow down from now. Probably.

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One would probably assume that she and Orochimaru would have already done the dirty or at least glob-glob considering them _being forced_ roommates for over two years. They would assume that Orochimaru would have at least forced himself on her in a domineering and sexual manner, but the truth was that the fear-inducing basilisk sannin was actually not the dominate one in their perplex relationship.

Because he was like an idiot-savant or something, she swore. It fit, because Naruto villains were generally considered geniuses when they made blatantly idiotic mistakes. _Blatant_.

Except, by the end of it he wasn't really a villain anymore and he turned into a bishounen thing that he was now. He even had a child with blue hair in Boruto's era, then apparently that child had an older brother and it just really added onto the mountain of _absolute bullshit_ that was Naruto.

He was affectionate. He liked hugs and pats and making sexual innuendos. She could just barely tolerate the first two, but the last one ripped at her core. Trauma induced by her own imagination was no good way to exist.

He was also territorial and easily jealous, even if his only competition at the time was his former teacher who was about as attractive as a wrinkly orange. Wrinkly oranges were _not_ attractive. It was outrageous and insulting to her tastes, but then she had to lament that he was like a child and was possessive. In a creepy sense.

It was a damn shame that she was what one would call emotionally unavailable and that he disgusted her simply by existing for the most part. Two years and it was more of an uncommon phenomenon when she was comfortable with his existence. It was like her distaste for vegetables, for even the scent of vegetables made her gag and retreat unless she was focusing on something else.

Her residence within Orochimaru's apartment wasn't unknown either ̶ though granted only she, the Hokage and Orochimaru himself knew exactly _where_ it was ̶ as she _did_ arrive stark naked and body slammed into said snake man from above. If she were to think about it, he might never had been touched by a naked woman or in a manner that wasn't clinical. That could be an explanation as to his partiality towards her, but she just didn't know as he never told her outright why.

She didn't much care for being naked in public, especially when she was eying herself just as much as everyone else because there were archaic symbols lining her limbs like snakes slithering up a tree. Then it got weird because… _Orochimaru_. Merely his name was enough reason for her, it would seem.

Or was it that toad face that made it weird? Both, probably.

"Am I dead?! Someone tell me I'm dead and that my dream of falling naked angel women has come true!" some voice had yelled from behind her, an abrupt smacking sound and thud following in with a swift and timely manner. At the time, she was still processing that she was naked and in the arms of attractive snake face with a nose, who was _staring_ at her like he'd found a treasure. That he would keep. _Forever_.

She knew it to be the end of her world's perceived sense of normality.

Tsunade and Jiraiya didn't even know where Orochimaru lived, because the latter was paranoid as shit and she supposed it was for a good reason. Tsunade was still in the village, since her precious brother and lover were still alive according to her roommate. Her interaction with the other two possible sannin was limited, as _someone_ thought they would damage her simply by breathing near her.

She didn't much follow the logic of the Hokage when he announced that she would be going through a trial period within his former student's apartment, making her only points of contact with said former student and wrinkly old bastard. It could have been logical, but she was given no reason at all.

 _Logic_ was a far off thing in the realm of magical ninja and modern technology.

Now that she could go outside, she was both eager and yet not to learn more about the inconsistencies of her new world. It was basically a given that she wouldn't be going back to her original world since, after all, she was literally ripped apart in that world and put back together in this one. There wasn't much for her there anyway, except more Western lollies. She hoped to all things unholy that Konoha had Western lollies.

One of the benefits, she supposed, was the fact that she needn't worry about rent or being society's equivalent of a functioning adult that lived a monotonous life of nothing until they died anymore. Briefly, she had to wonder if the higher forces knew of what she thought of her life and decided to have it make less sense.

That would make sense. _Somehow_.

Unfortunately, going outside turned out to be a rather large deal because her irritating roomie just _wouldn't_ leave her alone. Danger in the form of explosions and impalement meant _nothing_ to her, because she did indeed experiment to see if she was as indestructible as she thought. She had to guess that it was more of a jealous and territorial thing despite the blatancy of her _feelings_ towards him, because they were _simply_ meant to be. It took far too much effort to convince him otherwise.

Her main goal for the time being was to stop gagging and having her insides clench in boiling disgust, because like she said before, that shit was _painful_. Who would enjoy being disgusted _all_ the time? Certainly not her, because she had to deal with it for _two_ years. _Two_. It would be far better if she just did not give a shit.

It would happen eventually. She hoped.

"Do you have a son?" she blurted out in question, sitting on the edge of a roof and staring down at people with an uncomfortable kind of scrutinising concentration as she chewed on her gummies made from human remains. It _did_ amuse her to discomfort people after all, and she needed to for all the discomfort she had felt. She'd meant to ask him that question years ago, but it slipped her mind. Well, she more forced it out of her mind because her imagination thought it would be great to visualise it. _Intensely_. Her mind was against her.

Konohagakure was modernised, with new and old buildings and people in possession of mobile phones and shit. The young twelvies were just as obnoxious as they were in her original world, but a vast majority of them were magical ninja, so their level of obnoxiousness rose to new levels.

Then, she realised once again too late, that she shouldn't have asked the question that she asked and cringed in resignation, averting her eyes to look in the distance like a forlorn main character of a romance novel. The wind picked up and pushed against her hair. Admittedly her hair was tied in some unkempt bun, but the hair that framed her face did wonderfully to be dramatic.

The higher forces understood her.

"We can make one." he replied, sitting beside her in his high-quality clothing that made him look all the more aristocratic. Normally, she'd be afraid of him because he was both dangerous and attractive. If he were not a cracked version of Orochimaru. He _drooled_ in his sleep and pouted when he couldn't find her next to him like a spoiled child of Satan. She genuinely missed being able to sleep, because her brain.

"You can make one yourself." she said, which was true. "You don't need my help." not to mention she didn't _want_ to help. Let some other desperate fan-girl from below to help him achieve that. She wondered when he was going to try and make her jealous, and hoped that she _laughed_ in his face when it happened.

"I want your help." he told her, smiling that innocent smile that was adorable. It made her reel back as her lips turned down into a revolted frown. "We can have a family together."

Her insides cooled as she remembered a dysfunctional family of a non-existent father, a neglecting mother and grandparents who told her that she was a waste of space. _Family_. What joys they were.

She chewed on her gummy before spitting it out with precision and purpose. It landed on some old dude's face and he recoiled, smacking his supposed wife in the face. She wasn't smiling at all, not really. That would be… _mean_.

Except she was a bitch so she rocked that sadistic grin. She assumed. "He has to have pink eyes and he has to be _created_ in one of your villain labs of despair, or your Chamber of Secrets. I also have to go over the composition of his existence because I swear to all things unholy that if he's dense as you, I might explode. Literally."

Orochimaru lit up and she swore she saw sparkles. She blinked at him, and he did indeed have sparkles in his eyes and around him. It was _revolting_.

"We will name him Mitsuki and he will be a genius. He will be our legacy." he whispered, smiling that child-like smile of his as he stared at her with clear adoration and wonder. The sun seemed to brighten on his face and she was sure that the higher forces were the cause of that.

She supposed that she would just have to teach the genetically engineered and created child _not_ to steal her raspberries from the goddamn fridge. _Family_.

Then it occurred to her that she was having a child. With _him_. _Soon_. Like they were a family. A couple. _Together_.

She jumped off the roof in a futile hope that she would fall to her death, or well, to just get away from him.

His tongue wrapped around her torso, his saliva soaking into her shirt and _touching her skin_.

She dangled and she sobbed.

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 **A/N:** A reminder that I have no idea what I'm doing. Just going with the flow of my imagination. I too, am weirded out by it.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	4. White Girl Mode!

**A/N:** Warning: Disturbing children. Also, you know, this might be a daily update thing since they're so short. And full of shit.

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She decided that the world was _mad_ and that she should not expect known canon characters to be like themselves, if their characterisation was actually consistent and believable. She was thinking about Nagato there, but it went for whoever else that she couldn't bother to remember. Or care about, coincidentally.

Being able to go outside was always an adventure, but it was when she went outside without Orochimaru ̶ because he had missions and she was technically an immortal civilian, much to his great annoyance and her _utter joy_ ̶ that she met canon characters that were in fact, not canon-compliant.

Her prime example would be the child prodigy known as Uchiha Itachi, the elder brother Uchiha Sasuke, the former heir of the Uchiha clan before he thought it would be a good idea to massacre _everyone_. _Then_ traumatise his brother, whom he spared because reasons, beyond belief just so he could have some form of _selfish redemption_. _What a hero_. No wonder Sasuke was so messed up. This was why inbreeding was a problem. _Problems_ arise.

As it had turned out, he was eleven. That led her to believe that there was no timeline. _At all_. It was merging of eras and characters. He was eleven and he was… _disturbing_.

She might have to assume that all prodigal ninja bitches were, crudely put, _socially retarded_. Or idiot-savants, which sounded nicer. Because, well, their social skills were _ragged dog pieces of shit_.

One would think that Uchiha Itachi, of all people, would have been able to understand what the hell social skills were and acquire them. _Then_ use them appropriately, or at least, semi-appropriately. After all, he was a clan heir. Social etiquette was a thing for them. He was a certified genius so it shouldn't have been too hard to at least _pretend_ to be good at socialising.

But _no_ , little eleven-year-old Itachi threw away that shit and decided to dance to his own skewed war tune that more than likely was just _screaming_. It led her to creating the mini-goal of finding canon characters and seeing what the fuck was wrong with them and if it was meant to be there in their characteristics. It was a goal of both dread and excitement.

"From the first moment I saw you form from nothing in the sky and body slam into Orochimaru-san with the force of a meteor with your naked body, I have wanted to see your skin. I have wanted to touch your skin and see if it is as smooth as I imagine." said the little eleven-year-old boy that didn't know how to blink nor speak with emotion. Just this peculiar monotone and a formal speech tone that was capable of sending shivers down her spine. Or perhaps that was nerve damage.

She blinked for them both, cautious in her movements of biting into her sugar-coated dango that could have given her diabetes if she were capable of being human in the physical sense of the word. Except, she was an abomination so no need to worry.

Itachi sat across from her, his eyes flicking from her eyes to her lips and, well. _Gross_. He himself had appeared from nowhere, as ninja were wont to do and she had immediately _longed_ for boy's absence. Like, she wanted him to leave in a swirl of leaves or some shit because _fuck his noise_.

"For two years, I have attempted to find you. I have attempted to convince the Hokage to tell me of your whereabouts, but neither he nor Orochimaru-san would budge. I am superior to them both, but they are vigilant." baby weasel boy informed her, unnecessarily but once again for expositional purposes. His face was blank and she could have mistaken him for a girl. _A creepy girl_.

Goddamn pretty boy bishounen bitches.

"I am very much interested in you, Shun-sama." Itachi told her, his lips twitching strangely in what she assumed to be an attempt at a smile. She squinted at him, feeling distinctly uncomfortable at his formality regarding her existence. "I often think of you and wonder where you come from and why you have come here. I have always thought of your nice skin, your markings and the scars that line your back."

She brought her legs up to her chest, her creep senses tingling. No, actually… _they were burning_.

"However," his dark eyes narrowed, "Orochimaru-san has been keeping you all to himself. It is unfair. I have attempted to stalk him in order to find you, but it would turn out that despite my superiority he is adamant in keeping you away from me."

It told her something, that she wished for Orochimaru and his own _special_ brand of strange instead of the eleven-year-old ninja prodigy who attempted to stare into her soul. That didn't work very well because she was expressive in regards to her disgust, but not much else. They saw what she wanted them to see, at least she hoped they did. She wasn't entirely unfeeling but expressing herself was hard.

He was like, _eight_ or something when she first came to the world of crack. Was there a term for reverse-paedophilia or something? Or was it just idolisation, because this sure as hell wasn't mere admiration?

It was without a doubt that her expression clearly reflected her current feelings of _unadulterated disgust_. She herself was not exactly fitting into the social constructs of perceived normality, but there was a limit to how much creepy and downright disturbing that she could take. _There were limits, man._

With trepid hesitance, her free hand appeared from under the table and placed itself flat on the table. Her nails were an alarming shade of black, for some obscure reason that she couldn't bother to figure out. It made her only vaguely curious as to what else had been augmented, since she hadn't looked into a mirror for years. Orochimaru hated them and she didn't much care for her appearance anyway. Maybe if she had something interesting, like pink eyes, then her appearance would be interesting.

Child soldier of the weasel creep's eyes shone, an absurd trick of the light _forming some kind of sparkly rainbow shit_ behind his head. His gaze flicked from her face to her hand, looking both excited and uncertain. A reluctant blink from her made her realise that he still hadn't blinked yet and his eyes weren't red or watering yet.

"I can touch you?" whispered sparkle rainbow bullshit-eyed boy, the child within him taking the forefront. It made everything worse. _Everything_. "You would let me?"

The word that came to mind was reverence. Reverence was somewhere in his monotone. That was… well, that was a _smidge_ worrying.

"This is an honour." Itachi murmured as he ran his long fingers along the back of her hand before lifting it from the table so that he could finger her palm and phalanges. As if it were some sort of national treasure that he had the honour of touching. She refrained from curling her fingers. That would lead to violence.

The worry was rapidly increasing as the tingling sensation of a nonsensical plot movement punched the back of her mind like the force of a bull. What a bad sign that she could do _nothing_ about.

"I knew that as you descended upon the earth in your bare form, that you were a god that I would be able to look up to."

She gagged before letting out an abrupt, hysterical laugh as her white girl mode activated. _She could not even_. Clearly, she slipped between the cracks of a Naruto world that made some sort of sense ̶ only because of canon ̶ and landed herself into a world where bullshit was its foundation. Or perhaps, it was her fault that the world was the way it was. She wasn't sure.

"So, you interested in gummy lollies… Itai-itai?" was her light inquiry as she attempted be subtle in her removal of her hand from his possession. It failed, as his fingers tightened and he _nuzzled_ her palm. She could feel the bubbling urge to gouge his eyes out as he conspicuously _sniffed_ said palm and still didn't blink.

Her smile was both awkward and murderous, which was a peculiar combination that she thought he might have simply assumed to be a smile of pleasance. Because he was weird. _Really weird_.

"White girl mode activated," she whispered, just to verbalise her inability to deal, "I can't even. I just cannot."

"I _love_ gummy lollies, Shun-sama." he answered, stressing how much he _loved_ gummies.

She stared at a spine-chilling sex and/or possibly ̶ more likely ̶ rape face from an _eleven-year-old_.

What did she do to deserve this?

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 **A/N:** Isn't Itachi just _adorable_? Also, _fuck you_ fanfiction docs for getting rid of my italics.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	5. That Yellow Bastard!

**A/N:** Possibly unintentional set up for the next chapter? Anyway, thank you all for the support! My heart swells with joy. Then pops.

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Orochimaru thought that it would be a good idea to attempt to kill the blank-faced, fan clan weasel baby whom claimed she was his god. She, _unfortunately_ , didn't witness it because she had been at home when he went out to murder an eleven-year-old. However, there was the fact that a section of Konoha was destroyed by a giant snake and a giant flaming skeleton thing and it was a story that was going around.

Orochimaru was _wrong_ if it was meant to be a good thing, because he was suspended from active duty. _Suspended_. Meaning he was stuck in the village for an indefinite amount of time. With her. She wouldn't have much cared if the unblinking little child of Satan died by her roomie's hand, but said roomie _fucked up_ the process.

He needed to _stop_ _breathing_ , dear god. Which one? Both, probably.

Except it was probably the one thing he might never do because he was possibly an immortal, though his method of immortality was yet to be confirmed. An unfortunate circumstance, truly, but she had to pretend to be positive and think of the benefits of his continued existence.

Like her being a freeloader and him welcoming the idea. That was a plus, at least. She could also appreciate his scientific nuances. Sort of. Not really. No.

However, she supposed that he spent a good amount of his time downstairs. In the basement, where all his nefarious experiments went on whilst she remained upstairs because she had a sensitive nose and _fuck_ the smell down there. It was like he thought it would be a good idea to smear blood, guts and faeces _all_ over the place. Which was not a good idea. It was _never_ a good idea.

But one time he had to pop up one afternoon ̶ or night, she wasn't quite sure since he got rid of the window just in case _something_ were to manage to find their place of residence ̶ covered in human gore as if a corpse literally blew itself up, all over him. That was nasty, but she _laughed_. Nearly busted a gut doing so, or it felt like it.

"It was rigged." Orochimaru explained, though she hadn't bothered to ask. He stared at her, in a way that was both curious and awed. _Ugh_. "I found the seal too late, where it was shoved up deep within the subject's anus."

She wrinkled her nose at him, leaning further into the couch she lounged on because screw actually getting up to move away. Unless he moved towards her, then she would leg it like she was about to die. Cleanliness was preferred. Cleanliness was nice.

"Mitsuki is nearly ready. We will meet him soon." he informed her as he walked towards the bathroom, his gait straight and full of purpose. He would look elegant if he was not literally covered in human remains and waste. "Though I wanted to baby make the traditional way." was his dejected mutter before he then he disappeared behind the door. His disappointment brought her joy.

The child was in some sort of tube that one would see in those anime with the science and stuff, which was not very specific but whatever. He had taken the creation of said child with the kind of seriousness of an artist creating a masterpiece, which she had to admit was alright because she'd have to move out if there was some demon spawn running around and causing her turmoil because it was created wrong. Genetics were a thing, after all, and they had a hand in creating personalities.

But then Itachi would probably find her and _make her live with him_ in the Uchiha compound because _how_ could he leave her be? When she was in need of room and board? Suicide was clearly the only option if it ever came to that, except there was the problem of immortality. She'd need to find Haku so that lady boy could freeze her like Captain America. But wait, Orochimaru would more than likely _destroy_ the Uchiha compound just to get her back regardless of the consequences.

She had to admit that she missed going outside without Orochimaru, whom would follow her if she were to go. There was no point in trying to sneak by him, because he had like some sort of radar for her and could just tell where she was and if she was near another male. Hence, how he found about Itachi finding her since she wouldn't have told him herself since it was far too troublesome. It worried her that he was so… _attuned_ to her.

Perhaps, the higher forces did something like change her pheromones or some shit so that he would _feel_ for her and only her. She decided it was possible and that fact that it was even a possibility saddened her.

Then Orochimaru had to tell her some _horrifying_ news that absolutely devastated her when she was least expecting it. It rendered her speechless, really. For like a minute or something. Around that.

"We are getting married." he stated, so sure that it was true. As if it was an undeniable fact. He blinked, leaning closer to sniff her. She wondered what the hell she smelled like and why it was so pleasant to him, since she couldn't smell herself at all. "It has come to my attention that we cannot have Mitsuki live with us if we are not married."

She thought that it sounded like fucking bullshit and then promptly decided that it _was_ fucking bullshit.

"Who says?" was her question, because her roomie wouldn't give a shit about regulations and rules and shit. Mitsuki would live with them regardless if he was allowed to or not. "The wrinkly banana leader? I bet it was the wrinkly banana leader, that yellow bastard."

Orochimaru smiled, sitting beside her on the couch before attempting to snuggle her or some shit. She wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve but it was damn uncomfortable in her opinion. Comfort was important and she would like it back.

"I can kill him if you want me to." was his bright idea, which was so sincere and said with the peculiar tone of hope. Like a puppy that needed affection. The image of a snake-puppy hybrid came to mind, drooling as it licked its balls. "I have been wanting to for years."

"Sure." she answered, frowning as he finally decided to simply wrap his arms around her as she tried to curl in on herself. "It's not like I've ever given a shit about him."

And then the next day it was announced that the Hokage died from some _mysterious_ disease that involved intestines literally being vomited out of his face. His mouth. Yeah, what a _shame_. Truly. It hurt her deeply to know that he was dead. Except no, because _fuck_ that guy.

His headstone was something along the lines of, _'Here lay the dearly beloved ass crack addict Hokage, whose love for asses surpassed itself and went straight into creepy obsession.'_

Then Namikaze Minato appeared out of nowhere and was named the new Hokage, whom was nice. Apparently. She had yet to meet him formerly but she just wondered what the fuck was going on, because _where_ did he come from? Whatever, she decided, there was a rapidly growing child with a strange colour combination living with her.

Orochimaru ̶ _the hoe ̶_ was unsuspended at the wrong time. Inconvenient, until said rapidly growing child with a strange colour combination further pissed on expected mental developments by being self-sufficient.

"Okaa-sama."

"Remove yourself from my presence, peasant." she hissed, curling up on the couch as she hoarded her homemade stash of gummies. She squinted at the strange little toddler whom was barely a week old and _just would not_ refer to her by her alias. Pink, slanted eyes stared at her with unhidden adoration that clearly told her who his father was.

But where the _fuck_ did the blue hair come from, like seriously? Actually, where did _anything_ come from? Also, why?

Mitsuki smiled, bright and innocent but soft. Elegant. That was strange. "Where is otou-sama?" he queried as he climbed onto the couch and leaned on her, defying her dismissal. "I want to go outside."

With a blink of realisation, she stood up and let the blue-haired snake-hybrid child thud onto the cushion that had gotten well acquainted with her ass for a for hours. "Away." she breathed, turning to the child that stared up at her with curiosity in his eyes. "We go, we go."

Motherhood was surely not what she was going through because children tended to age slower and all, but it could be considered like a skewed version of it. Unless, the mother was Orochimaru but then again _no_ because there was that one time Jiraiya thought it would be wonderful to advise Orochimaru on her to woo her.

That was a relevant thought because she was just chilling when sensual snake music played and a naked Orochimaru did some kind of weird Egyptian mating ritual dance. She distinctly remembered crying.

"Is Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer going to ambush you again today, okaa-sama?" Mitsuki inquired with a pleasant tone of voice that was _not_ monotonous and strange. She was becoming quite partial to it. He was far better at socialising than Orochimaru and Itachi, whose skills were _abysmal_. "Because I do not like him."

He was also proficient in Parseltongue, she learned. It was a language that they both spoke unknowingly since communication was strange as she was sure there was like an automatic translation thing going on in the world. Sometimes it glitched out or something, because one of the other insignificant civilians told her that she and Mitsuki were hissing at each other. Strange, to know that language from Harry Potter was in existence in the Naruto crack world.

She gave him a fond smile, thinking of the benefits of being a bad influence of malleable little children. She understood why the younger boy was not exactly fond of the elder boy. _Itachi was fucked_.

Which was hypocritical since she wasn't exactly the epitome of normality herself ̶ though normality didn't exist ̶ but there were _limits_. The tiny stalker worshipped her for literally falling out of the sky. Naked _._

He wanted to _touch her_ in possibly sexual ways and he even had a shrine built for her in his room. She confirmed that he did indeed possess photos of her, though she was unsure as to what kind of photos he had. It was… well, perhaps mildly worrying.

She would have thought that perhaps he would have worshipped her for being a legendary ninja or some crap, but she was a civilian and she had never been involved in a fight where she was one of the opponents. Apparently, her naked body was good enough.

Of course, though she wasn't much of a fighter she was still a cold piece of shit and technically a murderer. Not because she herself got involved in whatever the hell Orochimaru did in the basement, but it was back in her original world. Her chest constricted and she decided that she would put it out of her mind. It was bad to dwell on it, because then she would _feel_. Obviously, that was to go straight to Fuck Nopeville.

A drawn out sigh left her lips, her head tilting to look out the window and stare into the distance just as the sun hit and illuminated her face, embracing the sad but beautiful female protagonist of a romance novel that was probably with vampires well. All she wanted to have a peaceful day of tea and cake, perhaps read a book that was more chill than her current life.

Her eyes then landed on a particular figure on the crowd, her face scrunching up at her brain attempted to compute. It succeeded but stalled. "What the fuck is that?"

Mitsuki's brows drew together, he too deciding to look out the window and see what she was seeing. "Okaa-sama? What is wrong? Is it _him_?"

A black eye slid over to meet hers through the crowd, time _literally_ slowing down so that there could be a dramatic moment.

She laughed, loud and delirious. Nonsensical plot movement senses _punched_ the back of her head. It ached like a _bitch_.

Fancy seeing the co-founder of Konohagakure strolling the streets without repercussion. In his late twenties. _Alive_.

She did a strange mix of snorting and choking.

* * *

 **A/N:** I plan on Orochimaru and Itachi interacting together, with some other characters. It's in the process. I will enjoy this.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	6. The Chosen One!

**A/N:** Guys, I don't even know what happened. I just... wow myself sometimes.

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If she were to guess, she would think that the higher forces thought it would be a good idea to mix and match shit. It made her wonder how in the hell the world even managed to function, but to question it was to frustrate herself and so she would leave it be. For now. Though she questioned _everything_.

She had more important matters to deal with, like the prospect that _she_ was the main character and therefore had the main character disease of being pivotal focal points in other important character's lives. It was beginning to feel like that, which was probably one of her worst nightmares because _socialising_. With magical ninja with Maskbook accounts. _No_.

Why the prospect had even come up was because like one of the biggest villains of the series popped up out of nowhere and decided to shit all over her visit to the sweets café that she and Mitsuki were at with just her acknowledgement of his presence. It had come to mind that the café was the same one that Itachi had found her in.

Was the café a plot device for fan clan band members? Because if so, what the shit? Then again, it was called Sweet Shit and Shady Shit. That might be a bit telling.

She had contemplated legging it or attempting to shunshin or some shit but decided that no, that wouldn't work. She was also with a toddler, whom was sort of dependent upon her. It would be a shame to have him damaged now of all times when he was more preferable than anyone else so far. Also, there was a need for chakra and she had no idea if she had it because she couldn't sense for shit.

So, with resignation, she remained seated and took a dainty sip of her tea, staring down into her cups in a small but futile hope that he would think her insignificant and move on. Like those times someone was out in public and accidentally made eye contact with some stranger. That was always awkward. It was more awkward when she smiled at children like she was going to kill them. It was intentional.

Her luck, she decided, _was shit_.

"You are the naked woman that fell from the sky and slammed into the legendary snake sannin." an abnormally deep baritone intoned, rather unnecessarily in her opinion because once again, exposition that was already established. Perhaps it was just her reputation for being the naked lady that appeared out of the sky that made people think they _needed_ to tell her what her reputation was. As if she didn't already know that she appeared in one of the most public of places naked and on top of Orochimaru.

She never wanted to remember the sensation of his _squirt-squirt wand_ pushing against her. She gagged and shivered in memory as her mind _bombarded her_. Her mind was a _dick_ , seriously.

She yawned then, her frown marring her expression as she scrutinised the moon-crazy bat cave tentacle fetish man that stare down at her with one visible eye. Was the one eye style in style? Was it nice to be an emo piece of dinosaur dicks? A fashion statement? He looked homeless, what the fuck? Also, _when the fuck did he get there_? But then, magical bullshit ninja.

His arms were folded, his hair a mess and his clothes that dull navy shit that the Uchiha were prone to wear. She honestly wasn't sure if he was physically attractive or not, which might have been because half his face was concealed by his hair, so she asked the pink-eyed baby basilisk in front of her.

"Is he attractive?" she asked without preamble. "Because I can't tell. I need adjectives to stick on his existence in my head."

Mitsuki squinted, craning his neck up to stare at the imposing Uchiha who should be chilling in some cave and be old. Like, really old. _Ancient_ , even. Also plotting cat piss moon plans. "You could say so, but he is more intimidating than anything. Perhaps he is also an insomniac, because those bags under his eyes are rather prominent."

Their uninvited guest frowned at the little toddler that had grown like an inch since that morning, more than likely confused because apparently he only spoke in the universal language when not talking to her. So he hissed at her and she hissed at him and no one understood why. The joys of a separate language.

It was then that she decided that Mitsuki was her favourite person as she nodded in understanding. His position of being most favourable was then quickly put on thin ice when he crawled onto the table and sat beside her, which the man with the bullshit eyes took as a sign to sit down across from her.

She blinked. He stared. They _really_ had a staring problem. A glare was forming on her face, she could feel it as the urges bubbled deep within her chest. Maybe she would attempt to take his eyes and give it to Orochimaru as a gift. _Or_ bring the eyes to Orochimaru and then crush them in his face. Maybe he would try to kill her and thereby kill his _feels_.

"I am Uchiha Madara, the Dark Moonlight Guardian of Konohagakure." Spot introduced himself, with stoicism that lacked any kind of sarcasm whatsoever. He was serious. "My partner is Senju Hashirama, the Light Sunlight Guardian of Konohagakure." his tone then was one of distinct dislike.

"I am done." was her response, raising her hands in willing defeat. The image of Spot and Pillar being masculine My Little Pony characters appearing out of nowhere. Or perhaps they were cosplaying, so masculine dudes wearing skimpy My Little Pony clothing designs. Mitsuki continued to squint with suspicion.

Spot the Dark Moonlight Guardian frowned, confused. "You are Shun-sama. The one who bears the mark of the Chosen One on her left cheek." he explained, further giving her the feel that the world was on drugs or she was in someone's dream. Her heart sank in horror.

"Okaa-sama does not bear a mark on either of her cheeks." her child replied, plainly confused as well. Then he blinked in realisation. "Oh. You meant her butt cheek."

It was happening. _The nonsensical plot movement_. Who better than Spot the Dark Fairy Guardian to help, honestly?

"The Chosen One will save us all from the dreaded Fox of the Nine." Spot intoned gravely, closing his eye and frowning. "The colossal fox is a fairy princess from another world, whom will come to this world and destroy it for no reason other than to be a giant obstacle to the plot."

Mitsuki turned to look at her, which she returned with an equally squinty look. "He is insane." the hissing toddler snake-hybrid stated with surety. She nodded with a deep frown marring her face. "He needs to die." she nodded with fervour.

Her eyes glanced out the window, watching as a tall figure passed by the window then walked through the entrance. His dark eyes immediately landed on her, then to Spot and they lit up. It was the kind of sparkly look that Orochimaru would get when he looked at her when he got home. It was not a good sign, she thought. Then she looked to what he was wearing, and decided that wearing _female hooker clothes_ was an even larger sign of trouble.

"Maddie-Paddy-Fanny!" Senju Hashirama, also known as the Pillar of Light, exclaimed and _leaped_ onto said Maddie-Paddy-Fanny. "My love! My darling! FUCK ME NOW!"

She literally spit her tea all over Spot the Pillar Fucker, whose singular eye squinted with distaste. Pillar the Fucked ignored the liquid she literally spat all over him, except no he didn't because he _moaned_ and shivered as he clutched his Guardian partner tighter and started _rubbing_ himself against said partner.

Her face, more than likely, reflected her revulsion as Mitsuki clutched to her arm as he tried to lean as far into the seat as he could. She understood his plight and wished that the seat would just swallow her up when Pillar the Horny Wood made his second point of eye contact with her as he used Maddie-Paddy-Fanny as a stripper pole. Said stripper pole merely glared forward, possibly wishing he were dead.

"The Chosen One!" the decidedly more disturbing of the two partners yelled, pressing himself harder against his human stripper pole in supposed delight. She brought her legs up from the ground and crossed her legs, grabbing Mitsuki and putting him in her lap so that she could use him as a makeshift teddy bear. "You have found her, my love! This calls for a threesome!"

Then his eyes laid on Mitsuki. "My mistake! A foursome!"

A threatened hiss left her child's lips as he turned to his side and wrapped his arms around her neck. "A paedophile, okaa-sama! A paedophile!"

Then Spot the one-eyed stripper pole and Pillar the horny paedophile stripper _exploded into rainbow confetti_ , Orochimaru casually leaning against the door to the entrance of the café and holding some sort of conspicuously colourful button. His eyes locked onto her particularly disturbed form, holding an equally disturbed Mitsuki who held onto her like a lifeline. A pleased smile formed on his meticulous face as the sun moved just so that the rays would shine down on him like a bath of light. The window pushed against his neat hair and the loose fabric of his clothes.

Time slowed down just to capitalise on the moment.

She ordered some black forest cake and more tea, thinking that perhaps it was better to just remain imprisoned in Orochimaru's apartment for the rest of her life. Mitsuki violently stabbed one of the confetti pieces with a fork and she felt a stroke of pride for him. Perhaps she would give him the strawberry of her cake as reward.

"Did you make the Dark Moonlight Guardian and Light Sunlight Guardian of Konohagakure explode into rainbow confetti with that button, otou-sama?" the boy in her lap asked, particularly casual now as he looked up to his father who took the place of the two 'Guardians'. She received her cake and tea, thinking that Orochimaru was going to get tea stains on his clothes. Probably.

Orochimaru radiated triumphant glee, his golden eyes gleaming as he was wearing a disturbing smile. "Shun is _my_ chosen one, little Mitsuki. _No one else_ can have her." he answered, blinking at her when she flicked cream at him and it landed on his cheek. "I will _tear apart_ anyone who attempts to take you from me."

"Ah." she deadpanned, sipping on her tea. "Orecchimaru the snake-faced bishounen tongue slut yandere. Kill me, because _I_ want to take me away from you." but then again, he could have been Hashirama and Madara. She wasn't sure about the fact that people out in the world were more creepy than he was. It was terrifying, really.

Her roomie extended his tongue and licked the cream from his cheek with the same expression on his face. Her expression was one of extreme distaste, which entailed frowning. Lots of frowning. It was probably a good thing that she didn't age or wrinkles would have overtaken her and made her look like she was seventy.

He took out a scroll from behind him, making it look like he took it out from his ass. He then laid it on the table and opened it. She stared at it as he turned it around for her to read. She continued to stare at it, her brain rereading the words _over and over_ but they refused to stick.

"I found out that the previous Hokage created this three months after you arrived." Orochimaru explained, for necessary exposition. His smug expression looked permanent. "I had nothing to do with it, though I am pleased."

"So for over two years, okaa-sama and otou-sama were already married." Mitsuki murmured, looking to her. "And neither of you knew it."

She continued to eat her cake, because _fuck it_.

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 **A/N:** Holy shit, am I right? I have once again surprised myself because I burst out laughing just after I typed "FUCK ME NOW!" Also, thank you guys so much for the support this story has gotten so far. It hasn't even been a week yet (at least I think so, I'm not sure I'm nocturnal and time is hard to keep track of when your life consists of two days merging into one) and there's nearly fifty reviews, over a thousand reads and shit. I love you people.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	7. Kinky Frog Cosplay!

**A/N:** This one is a little more tame in my opinion.

* * *

The whole Chosen One noise was _rank cat piss_ , as it would turn out. She assumed it was some Spot and Pillar character story arcs just for them, so when Spot and Pillar blew up there went that plotline. Which was preferable and all, but one couldn't help but be suspicious as to how and _why_ Orochimaru had a colourful button that made people blow up in rainbow confetti.

It was indeed suspicious. However, it was possible that it could simply be attributed to only them two since _Itachi_ was still alive and actively attempting to stalk her. 'Attempting to' because Orochimaru was like a hawk on that boy and it was like they entered their own world, attempting to one up the other. Idly, she wondered if the two Guardians of Konoha were still alive.

She promptly decided that she didn't give a shit about them for the time being. She was mentally exhausted because _she didn't sleep_. At all. Ever. _It was murder on the mind_. Her brain was always doing weird shit or she was being listless, which was that horrible inbetween of just barely awake and never being able to go past that.

It was a good thing that Mitsuki was a disturbing snake demon spawn baby and didn't cry or have the generally annoying tendencies of children, such as their idiocy. She would have killed him, more than likely. Not that she went around killing children, but she _felt_ what she thought to be sanity slipping from its place.

Her perception of normality was steadily becoming more absurd, her mornings consisting of cooking what she deemed to be human meat and scrambled eggs because her dysfunctional family were cannibals. Or they were just snake beasts and it was _her_ who was the cannibal, but then again, was she even human anymore?

Then there was that elephant dung that was her being _married_ to her reptilian tongue lashing roomie. Gross? _Gross_. Yet, she was also resigned because though she burnt the scroll he had made copies that he would flash at anyone whom he thought to be a threat. Meaning _everybody_. He was even beginning to be wary of _Mitsuki_ , his own child creation whom was physically twelve and had remained so for the past few months. She wasn't sure what was going on there.

Though, she supposed that Orochimaru was just jealous that she was actually closer with their creation than him. It would have given her some sort of satisfaction if he weren't adamant in making her life chaotic because of said jealousy. This was a problem in actual relationships, seriously. It wasn't her fault that she liked Mitsuki better than him… no, hold on, _it was_.

After all, she _did_ sort of give a part of her DNA to the kid which meant she was destined to like the little demon spawn of pink and blue colouring better. He was like cotton candy and cotton candy was amazing, but then sugar overloads happened and migraines happen soon after. Which was probably what parenting was like. Mitsuki was touchy, like his father and she wasn't much of a physical being. At least the child was less likely to try and feel her up.

So, she decided with great reluctance, that she needed to give something up in order to get something in regards to Orochimaru's childish jealousy problem. In the end, she would think that it wasn't worth it. _Never_.

And that was how they had _family time_ where they all sat at the couch and watched movies on the new TV that Orochimaru bought. Just for her. It felt wrong to be grateful, but she had to say thank you. She _had_ to, because he was pouting when she continued to stare at him in an attempt to figure out what the hell his deal was. His pouting was gross because it was like his facial muscles decided to have a spasm so he would drool and look mentally challenged.

 _Attractive_. No, really. It was downright sexy. If only his fans could see such a face. It would be glorious.

"Is this… pornography?" Mitsuki was dubious as he asked, rightfully so, as he squinted at the screen from his position on her left side. Orochimaru, of course, was on her other side because screw her own personal space, right? "Am I meant to be watching this?"

Instead of popcorn, she was curling up over a bowl of her human bone gummies. Was it also a form of cannibalism? Most likely, but she'd bitten off Orochimaru's hand once and then cooked it just to prove a point. That was in the beginning of their tumultuous relationship, when boundaries hadn't been set yet. She hadn't bothered with attempting to escape, because seals and _Orochimaru_.

"You are literally less than a year old, so no." she answered, tilting her head to the side when the main character tried to kill a female enemy with a kiss. _A filthy kiss_. "Was it Gama-chan the Gama-slut who gave you this?" she inquired, frowning as the female enemy died via violent orgasm. What a way to go.

Orochimaru hummed in confirmation, deciding that undoing her bun and playing with her hair was more interesting than porn. "He came back for the previous Hokage's funeral and the new Hokage's celebration. He wanted to meet you, but I punched him in the face and broke his nose." was the drooling weirdo's serene reply as he made some kind of gross giggling sound, blatantly delighted that her hair was in his hands. _Eugh_.

"But you took the pornography anyway… ?" their synthetic human child thing queried, frowning at his father. She awarded him a head pat, which he took like a house cat. What a favourable pet, she thought as he then wrapped his arms around her waist like a loving child.

The next girl on the screen _screamed_. The man let out some kind of triumphant roar. Soon enough she would have no facial expression because she could not bother reacting anymore. Truly, it was a wonder how she has lasted so long in this world.

Jealous science snake man blinked, glancing ̶ glaring ̶ to his child then to the screen as the protagonist forced the girl to wear a provocative frog suit for some kinky roleplay. She made some sort of resigned hum as Mitsuki leaned closer to her, no doubt enjoying the show as much as she. She wasn't enjoying the show.

"He said it might set the mood. Whatever it was that he meant."

"Ah, fuck me." she muttered, heaving a sigh as the scene jumped to the protagonist and some new girl deciding to dress up as unicorns. Oh. Furry rainbow unicorn porn? Well, why not. Who cared about what made sense anyway? But seriously, _where the hell was this made and why_?

Orochimaru's eyes lit up, his head snapping towards her in wonder and overflowing hope. She realised her mistake.

" _Mitsuki!_ Attack!" she cried, jumping over the back of the couch and holding her bowl of gummies close to her just as her beautiful little blue-haired snake boy attacked on command. Some vase smashed onto the ground as she attempted to make a run for it to the bedroom. Why did they even _have_ a vase?

There was growling hissing going behind her and ecstatic moans and cries of _yes_ from the TV. Or not from the TV. She was getting a noise overload.

Then a stretchy snake arm wrapped around her waist, which she stared down at in contempt because _gross extension limbs_ before being flung back into the fray between father and son. "I didn't mean literally!" she sneered from the ceiling, where Orochimaru held her as he fended off Mitsuki who was hissing and attempting to retrieve her with his own gross extension limbs. "Figure of speech! No sex! Bad! Unhand me, you fiend!"

She felt a distinct sensation of satisfaction when her roomie ̶ _and husband_ , her mind reminded in a traitorous act ̶ froze, then slowly turned to her with an expression that clearly stated _crushed hope_. _Shattered_. She hoped her expression clearly stated ' _Yeah, that's right you tongue slut piece of shit_ '.

Mitsuki, taking advantage of this moment of weakness, managed to procure her from his father's grasp and bring her to him where he stood on the couch. She sat on the back brace thing of the couch, staring at the screen with a decidedly blank face when it had turned out that the protagonist was a god and his sperm was rainbow-coloured. Which helped the birth of equally rainbow unicorns. What a story.

The living room was a mess and the carpet was scorched, despite the fact that neither of them were fire-orientated. Some kind of living sludge was crawling up the wall and when she glared at it, _it exploded_.

Orochimaru stood behind her as Mitsuki watched him with the concentration of a guard dog. The crushed god-complex man-child wrapped his arms around her neck and leaned against her, which she allowed with a defeated sigh. The movie credits started rolling, the lyrics beginning with, _'Hello darkness, my old friend…'_ because why not?

"It is only a matter of time before my pew-pew stick enters your Chamber of Secrets." Orochimaru promised with a smooth, low whisper as he nuzzled the back of her neck. "I will wait."

She screeched in horror, throwing up her arms as she threw herself forward in a panic.

Mitsuki let out a war cry and charged.

* * *

 **A/N:** Cute family time of fun, right? They are a wonderfully functioning family of normality. Also, just hinting, if you have ideas. I might employ them.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	8. Chicken Nuggets!

**A/N:** My current mood attributes to what is written, generally.

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There was some hope for the world yet, she had decided. Why? Well, because there was this thing called Instant Ham and Jam. IHJ. It attributed to the absurd amount of pictures containing food and was also possibly a euphemism for some kinky sex.

Not that she knew much about it in the first place, but hearing about it from a gaggle of little twelve-year-old girls made her feel just a bit better because who wouldn't want to have a bunch of social media sites that was mostly consisting of total bullshit that absolutely no one gave a shit about? _Clearly_ , her. Then she was ripped from her world and went to literally live inside of a story world, which made her life a drama.

No one needed drama in both real life and on the internet. _No one_.

After the whole fiasco with the porn and Orochimaru's unknowing attempt at rape ̶ _holy fucking shit ̶_ fights began to break out more often between father and son, which was fine because they took it outside or whatever whenever they did for the most part. After all, Mitsuki was meant to be a legendary baby basilisk. But why were there vases everywhere?

She was content with learning how to meditate for hours on end, which was the closest she could get to actual sleep. However it turned out that she was shit at meditation because her brain _wouldn't shut up_ and would continue to bombard her with unneeded graphic imagery.

It was a horrible shame, which was then turned into a legendary shame when she was being summoned by the Hokage could only mean bad shit. Orochimaru was also summoned and well, that meant that _everything_ would turn to shit.

When she walked through the door and was met with the mutilated face of Namikaze Minato, she let out a distinct sound of startled disgust as she leaned back and impersonated the body language of Captain Jack Sparrow. The Hokage's eyelids were burnt off, leaving this wide-eyed and bloodshot look of madness as a lipless Glasgow smile greeted her and revealed rows of teeth marred by blood slipping through his gums. His wide, unblinking eyes followed her as she walked with Orochimaru to the front of the desk. _What the fuck_?

"Shun-sama," Jeff the Killer greeted her with a noticeable tone of peculiar respect and a nod, "it is good to finally meet you at last. I have heard many good things about you."

She raised a hand in greeting, unable to temper her bemused expression. "Yo. Did you attempt to make out with a Pancake Maker?"

Minato the Harbour Pancake laughed, smooth and pleasant to the ears despite his unsightly face. "My wife burned me when I tried to eat her out." was his completely unexpected and casual reply, his face unchanging but she assumed he would be giving an amiable smile. Blood squirted out from his face and onto the desk. "She's so hot, her vagina is like a flamethrower."

"Oh, my god." she whispered in revulsion, her expression turning pained as she wished that Mitsuki were around to react as she did. Orochimaru saw nothing wrong with the Hokage's sentence, even nodding as if he understood. _He did not understand_. "Fuck sake."

Her day only became worse when the door to the office slammed open and made a door-shaped crater in the wall, revealing a blazing-eyed baby weasel dragging in what appeared to be a teenaged version of Hatake Kakashi. Whom was crying. Sobbing. Weeping. _Whatever_.

"No!" Kakashi cried, attempting to get away from baby weasel stalker whose grip was made of iron. "I need to go back to Obi-Tobi-Wan! He needs me!" he sobbed harder, looking desperate and alarmed as he reached for the door that shut by itself. Somewhat like a desperate rat.

Orochimaru hissed at Itachi, whose eyes then landed on her after nodding at the Hokage. She jumped back onto the lounge situated nearby, as her roomie stepped in front of her in an act of possession rather than protection. She didn't much care as long as the little child with a case of teleiophilia wouldn't go near her.

"Step away, Orochimaru-san." Itachi intoned, his voice and eyes hard and threatening despite the unchanging monotone of his voice. "Why must you hog her all to yourself? _I need to touch her_. Her skin gives me life. It has been too long since I have laid hands of the smooth expanse of her existence."

She glanced out to the large window, wondering if she could smash through it, fall to the ground then _run the fuck away_.

"She is my wife, _Itachi-kun_." Orochimaru literally spat at the child who turned twelve some time ago. She knew because he invited her to his birthday party, which Orochimaru found and ripped apart. Then burned. " _I'm the only one allowed to touch her_. You can promptly go and _die_ , you child of filth."

Her eyes landed on Scarecrow the Crying Crow, who whimpered and squirmed before his single eye landed on her. She held her breath, unsure of what to expect from the next canon character of this fucking bullshit. Time slowed down for a moment.

His eye widened, before they narrowed with the intensity of knives like he wished she were dead. Her frown was starting to hurt.

"Shun." he ground out, appearing more like his canon version when he was angry. Which, by the way, _what the fuck_? Also, she noticed that lack of an honorific. "So the rumours were true that you've come back."

What?

Her eyes flittered to all of the other men in the room, in clear confusion. However, none of them looked at her since Itachi and Orochimaru were having a Mexican eyeball glare-glare stand off and Minato was staring out the window, drooling blood. She briefly wondered if he was okay before returning her eyes to Scarecrow the One Eyed Menace.

"Uh… yes?" she ventured, still curled up at the edge of the lounge. He was still clutched by the small hand of Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer, so she assumed that meant he couldn't be ninja-esque and appear in front of her with a flash. He actually looked rather pathetic on the floor, his mask soaked with his own tears as he glared at her. Like a scorned ninja hipster.

Said scorned ninja hipster looked as though he was ready to cry again, appearing he was being torn apart inside as he stared at her. She was indeed bewildered, because there was actually some tone of _seriousness_ that she was no longer used to anymore.

"Why have you come back? After what you did." asked the angst-filled teenage mutant ninja turtle. No, it was more like he demanded she answer the question. "You… betrayed us and you _dare_ to show your face?"

And just like that, her face was clear of emotion as she stared at the silver-haired teenager. He tensed as she continued to stare at him, assessing and cold as if he were filth beneath her shoes. The words rung in her ears, voices overlapping with another's.

"And what, exactly, did I do?" she queried, her voice light. She was in a fictional world turned into reality, so her past ̶ her previous reality ̶ should no longer matter. It shouldn't have come in the form of Kakashi, whose glare matched _his_ and whose words matched _his_. But it did. It did and she didn't know why.

"You know what you did, you bitch!" Kakashi growled, thrusting an index finger at her in accusation. "YOU ATE OUR FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGETS, DAMN SLUT!"

She raised her chin in defiance. "It was your fault in the first place, lagging scum." she sneered, though she knew it was fucking weird that a past experience of her former life was appearing now. "You were too busy not eating the food I bought you, so fuck you."

Kakashi the Medium lunged for her, though he seemed to have forgotten that inhumanly strong fan clan weasel baby held onto him. Said inhumanly strong fan clan weasel baby threw him through the window, shattering the glass which then slammed against her. The shattered glass shattered upon impacting with her, reminding her of her impenetrable form. _Why_ said inhumanly strong fan clan weasel baby threw him out the window, she was not sure.

Jeff the Killer the blonde version then sighed, slurping up the blood drooling from his mouth. She leaned back in revulsion, her expressions returning with fervour.

"There was a reason you were sent to retrieve Kakashi-kun, Itachi-kun." the Hokage reminded the twelve-year-old whose eyes were literally on fire. Said fire did nothing but look alarming. It was still bizarre for movie/anime effects to happen on a daily basis.

Itachi let a drawn out sigh, glaring at his eternal rival before sliding her eyes over to her. A distinct weasel-shiver ran up her spine as he shivered as well, though by the expression on his face it was one of overwhelming delight. Her mind supplied that he probably thought of her at night. Probably in the company of family members because he knew nothing of what was socially appropriate.

She hummed, unsurprisingly uncomfortable. The discomfort _escalated_ when she blinked and her vision was clouded with navy and denim-shaded hair, something _fleshy and wet_ running up the side of her left cheek as a hand held onto the side of her neck.

A foot came out of nowhere and slammed into the small body of the boy _who fucking licked her face_ , said small body _smashing through the wall_. Itachi flew, but not before she could catch a monotonous words of, "Worth it."

Orochimaru's eyes were alight with fury as he looked out the new hole in the wall, before his eyes looked to her and softened. He leaned down to wipe her face with his sleeve. Initially, she was thankful until he licked _the exact same spot_ and for added measure, he raised the loose hair that framed the side of her face and _licked all over her neck_.

"Sterilisation." he explained, then disappeared in a flash. The hole in the wall allowed her to see the battle of giant snakes and flaming skeletons, in the process of unintentionally destroying the village. The village erupted in horrified screams, which then turned into white noise in her ears.

She blinked as she wiped her face and her neck, slowly bringing her gaze over to blonde Jeff the Killer. The Hokage's face stretched, blood spurting through his teeth and eyes. Kushina's vagina was fucking beastly, _damn_.

"So I summoned you over to send you all on a mission together to Sunagakure." he informed her, his face slamming against his desk in an abrupt manner before he sat back up as if it didn't happen. His desk looked as though someone's head had been splattered all over it.

The wall behind her exploded, debris hitting her in the back and feeling as though it was giving her a friendly slap on the back. She stood as the wind pushed against her hair and the fire licked her clothes. She turned towards the new gaping hole in the wall that was like a ring of fire.

She walked forward and she jumped off the edge.

* * *

 **A/N:** It got a tad serious for a second there, didn't it? I was wondering what the hell as well, but then. Chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves for Sunagakure, bitches. (Also, I love you guys thank you for the support, seriously love you adorable crack sluts.)

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	9. Sickeningly Sweet!

**A/N:** This is little more... real? More so than usual, I suppose. Many thanks to my crack sluts. Yes, that is what you are all officially named.

* * *

She wasn't sure _how_ it happened or _why_ it happened, but for some reason it was official that she, Orochimaru, Itachi and Kakashi were going on a field trip to Sunagakure for some obscure reason that she was still unsure of. Never mind the fact that she was considered a civilian, it was possibly the worst combination of individuals and she demanded that Mitsuki come with her or she would call the higher forces to take her back to her previous world. She was bullshit, of course.

However, because Minato the flaming vagina victim and everyone else seemed to think that she was some kind of female version of Asian Jesus, they took her threat seriously and allowed Mitsuki to come along with her. Also, the fact that she _was_ considered the female version of Asian Jesus was why she was going in the first place according to Jeff the Killer Jr. It would be explained in due time, apparently. That made little sense to her, but she accepted it in defeat.

She still wanted to _die_ , of course.

"It is alright, okaa-sama." Mitsuki assured her as she stood away from the arguing tongue slut duo and the glaring one-eyed scarecrow dog. "I will protect you." her child smiled, all bright and _optimistic_. It disgusted her because she was the epitome of cynicism and pessimism, however she still gave an uneasy and unconvinced smile in return for his effort. He had done an alright job so far anyway.

Scarecrow dog was a tsundere, she strongly suspected. Because while he spat insults at her for stealing his and Obi-Tobi-Wan's chicken nuggets ̶ memories that they clearly should not have but did anyway ̶ he still wanted to be close to her and was quite irritated that she felt more partial to remaining close to her child whose sense of what is and what is not is up to her standards was generally on point. There was also that small fact that Obi-Tobi-Wan was apparently alive but that he was stuck in the graveyard for reasons she wasn't going to bother with attempting to find out yet.

Why couldn't people just leave her alone? She didn't want admittedly attractive but insane men ̶ _and a boy with teleiophilia ̶_ fight over her or pay attention to her in the least. She wanted her quiet life of being a NEET, sitting on rooftops at the crack of dawn and drinking tea back. She wanted the peace and the quiet of life, the ability to sleep and experience bizarre dreams that are simply just dreams instead of her reality.

She blinked as she realised that silence had fallen over them, her head turning to see that the tongue slut duo and scarecrow dog were all looking at her with varying degrees of disturbing concern. Her perpetual frown made its appearance as she stared at them, clearly bemused.

"You were radiating melancholic waves, okaa-sama." Mitsuki ̶ the darling little pet snake child ̶ explained to her, stepping closer to her in an act of protection. "It was very noticeable."

Orochimaru and Itachi glared at each other ̶ which reminded her that _Itachi was incapable of blinking ̶_ as they both stepped forward, possibly in some futile attempt to comfort her. It would, of course, terrify her more than anything. Kakashi looked torn between remaining where he stood and walking towards her to probably give her some less than assuring words as was expected of a tsundere.

"I will rip your arms off if you attempt to lay your filthy hands on her again, worm." tongue slut one hissed, his lip curling back. She idly noticed that he looked nicer when he was furious. Probably because she enjoyed his displeasure. Most of the time, anyway. "I loathe to know that your tongue remains intact."

Tongue slut two stared ̶ glared ̶ in that _unblinking_ way of his. It was beyond creepy. "Such words from the man whose tongue transcends his own body length and has repeatedly failed to extinguish my life as he said he would." was the boy's monotonous reply, before his expression turned smug. It was a shame that it fit. "Shun-sama is too delectable and wondrous for the likes of you."

"How _dare_ you speak of my wife like that, _cur_!" tongue slut one sneered, because he could not go without saying that she was his wife. She decided she didn't much care anymore and really just wanted a twelve-year-old to _not_ talk about her _delectable_ and wondrous existence. "She is beyond delectable and wondrous! There are no words to describe the magnificence of her being and _you,_ you false worshipper, _dare_ to undermine her!"

Her eyes slid up towards the sky, weary and in pain as she embraced the forlorn look of the female protagonist. Disgust still managed to linger within her, slithering in her chest and rising up in her throat so she would be forced to gag. The higher forces decided they would reward her for her continued and unwilling survival in the world of Naruto crack.

With a _magical flying carpet_ that appeared in front of her with a random lightning bolt.

She blinked, before she obediently crawled onto the carpet that looked rather like the one from Aladdin. She turned to look at a surprised Mitsuki, holding out her hand towards him.

"I can show you the world." she deadpanned, laying down on her stomach and becoming quite comfortable. This was probably where she stopped caring about nonsensical bullshit and decided to just take things in stride. _Hopefully_. In all honesty, it would be wonderful if she could.

Mitsuki took her hand without a second thought, jumping onto the carpet which flew up too high and too fast to evade the outraged hiss of Orochimaru's tongue dart and Itachi's colossal fireball spit. It was apparent that for all their genius, they didn't think their actions through. _Unless_ they understood that they would only damage her clothes and Mitsuki, whom they apparently didn't care about.

Kakashi kneeled down and was apparently reduced to tears. _Again_. Something was wrong with that kid. It was most definitely the teenaged angst.

Her little cotton candy snake child laid down next to her as the carpet zipped off in some direction that she assumed to be going towards Sunagakure, watching as their _team members_ started tree jumping to catch up. Itachi held onto Kakashi as the younger of the two continued to argue with her roomie/husband. Marriage sucked.

"What was your original world like, okaa-sama?" Mitsuki queried as they both kept an eye on Orochimaru, who was tearing through the forest as he summoned Manda. Itachi summoned a giant crow and it was likely that a trail of destruction would follow them in their journey. _Ninja_.

She hummed, thinking. "It made more sense, somewhat." she answered, her eyelids feeling heavy. "My life was quiet and though it was not perfect, I was alright with what I had. It was just that I knew I didn't belong, because everyone else felt different to me, no matter how much I attempt to fit in."

The magic carpet lifted higher until it was in the clouds and burst through the top, and it dawned on her that she was soaring through the sky and there were _small neon-coloured dragons_ flying around her. She sat up, crossing her legs and being vaguely aware that Mitsuki did the same across from her. Her eyes closed and she felt as though she was floating.

"So, you know, I murdered someone and it seemed to trigger something. I thought I was going to die and I was like, _finally_ …" then a drawn out sigh left her as she opened her eyes, a frown marring her expression. A pink dragon had draped itself over her shoulders and a blue one had settled on Mitsuki's head.

"Then this shit happened." she raised her arms in demonstration as the clouds went from white to pastel colours and the sun's rays rained down on her like she was some kind of messiah. "Death just seems to evade me and the higher forces thought it would be good to make me indestructible as it ripped apart my existence and spat me out here."

The pink dragon cooed at her and she briefly thought that she might as well keep it before Mitsuki shifted closer to her.

"Are you happy, okaa-sama?" Mitsuki asked her, his pink snake-like eyes attempting to stare into her soul the way a particularly cute but also creepy child would.

Her expression, she assumed, was contorted into one of pain and locked up sorrow that she didn't want to let out. Because, as she previously said, _fuck feeling_. There was no need for that shit. _None_.

"I have never been happy, Mitsuki." she finally replied, reaching out and cupping his cheeks. His cheeks were angular but they were _squishy_. She wasn't sure what smile she put on next. "Or at least, I don't know how to be happy. I don't know what that feels like."

Then Mitsuki frowned, fiercely as if he was angered by her inability to understand happiness. He leaned into her hands and held onto her wrists. "You are my world, okaa-sama. It pains me to know that you are unhappy." he told her, in that special way children seemed to do. _Ugh_.

Her internal cage rumbled, begging for hidden emotions to be released. _Begging for her to cry_. She forgot how to cry. She sobbed and she gagged, but she didn't cry. Things were getting _far too real_ and it was disorienting considering the past few years of her life in the Naruto world of crack.

"Otou-sama thinks you are his world too… he just goes about it in a strange way." Mitsuki grimaced at her unimpressed stare, but soldiered on. "He would destroy the world for you if it meant your happiness."

Which was a likely thing. _A highly likely thing_.

"That's disgusting." she cringed, because she always hated the sickeningly sweet aroma of romance. _It freaked her the fuck out_ , really. She had trust issues and that always got in the way of romance. Also, the fact that it was _her_ who usually lost interest at the speed of light ̶ if she managed to scrounge up any in the first place ̶ was a problem. "Your father's meant to be like, disgusting and creepy with an unfortunately attractive face. Stop attempting to make him out to be cute and sweet and shit. It's gross."

Mitsuki's face contorted into one of mischief, clearly having found his new objective. She realised her mistake when he leaned forward to press a kiss on her cheek before throwing himself off the magical carpet they were still riding on. The blue dragon cried out in alarm. _Shame_.

"See you soon, okaa-sama!" he called out, her eyes staring down at the unrealistically pastel clouds he disappeared behind with a distinct feel of resignation and dread. The pink dragon once again cooed, having settled itself in her lap. She began to pet it in an effort to soothe herself more than it.

"Here so begins the story of how Orochimaru attempts to woo his wife with the help of his son ̶ _the traitor_ ̶ as they traverse the lands towards a place of deserts, where a creepy raccoon dog child with no eyebrows and possibly some red-haired puppet freak both reside." she intoned, taking a deep breath. "Will the protagonist employ the help of the weasel baby tongue slut, or will she employ the help of scarecrow the cowardly dog? Or will she hope that she is struck by lightning and that will remove her of her invincible status so she can then commit suicide?"

"I can help, love." said _the pink dragon in her arms_ , its distinctly husky masculine voice tinged with the same English accent that she had. "It'd be a crime if I left one of our own to fend for themselves."

She stared down at the dragon, whose chill blue eyes stared up at her. "Are you telling me I'm a dragon?" she inquired, too tired to bother with emotion lacing her voice.

"One of the very best, love." replied the pink dragon, winking at her. "Just got to unlock that potential. Name's Fairy Princess Sparkle Bug. Call me Prince for short."

She leaned back, dubious and quite done with everything. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm a what?"

"You're a dragon, Shun."

* * *

 **A/N:** If you want logical answers, you will only receive bullshit in response. But you know, there was some real shit going on in here. I had to cut out a rather large sum of the original draft because it got _serious_. That is because I am capable of some serious angst, man. This might happen on occasion because it's my mind without a filter. Also, next chapter; POV change. Every ten chapters there will be a POV change, I'm deciding. Whose POV though? I don't know.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	10. In Mitsuki's Eyes!

**A/N:** Mitsuki's POV it is. I don't know what happened, as per usual.

* * *

Despite how much Mitsuki had to fight Father in order to protect Mother from nonconsenting sex ̶ _rape_ , as Mother had yelled multiple times as she threw randomly placed vases at Father ̶ he really did wish that his parents could be happy together. _Mother_ was clearly his favourite of the two, because she was more reasonable than Father who had a collection of body pillows with various prints of Mother on them. Mitsuki was threatened into keeping quiet about them, but he was sure that if Father tried to kill him Mother would be pissed off.

He knew that his family was dysfunctional because he was fairly sure that his parents were sociopathic and their relationship was more complex than anyone cared to think about. Both of them were virgins, Mother previously have been held prisoner in Father's apartment which also then turned out to be a recently known marriage _and then_ she became a mother when Mitsuki was created in the lab and stuck in a tube for a few months. Father was clearly enamoured with Mother like no other, but Mother was less than pleased with all the attention she received. _She was devastated_ , really.

Mitsuki was the one closest to Mother and because his adoration of her was more tame than others, he could watch her from up close. Mitsuki could see that Mother hid inside of a fortress, shallow emotions and expression the first of many barriers. She was expressive and whilst she was sincere, she was also insincere because he suspected that Mother was disconnected from her own emotions and had to emulate. Mother was disconnected from the world and from herself, so when she looked at people she could not see them as people. They were moving, irritating and interactive objects of various sizes and shapes in her eyes.

Even he was not a person to Mother, for even though she had accepted him as her child he was sure that she equated children to pets. Mother's eyes were often cold and her smiles sharp if one were to look behind the obvious emotions one could glean from her face. He was a particularly favourable pet to her, because whilst her eyes were less cold and her smiles less sharp she was still not _soft_.

Father was generally the same, but where Mother did not think of anyone highly Father saw her to be above all others.

Father was a genius in some aspects, but in regards to Mother he was more likely to be equated to an _idiot_. Father often drooled and had a _disturbingly_ high-pitched giggle, a camera hidden away on his person so he could take candid photographs of Mother when she was unaware. Despite her indestructible existence, she was _still_ a civilian and Father a legendary shinobi. Father had a scrapbook dedicated to the most beautiful pictures of Mother, which would be sweet if it were not _highly creepy_.

Mother was sure to agree with him, but Mitsuki had decided that even Mother would not be able to prevent Father from trying to kill him if he were to tell Mother. Mitsuki also liked to peruse through the scrapbook, because Mother could almost look at peace half the time and Mother was beautiful in his eyes.

Mitsuki had her pink irises, but he had Father's slanted eye shape and pale skin. The blue hair was a mystery to all of them, since both Mother and Father's hair were black with Mother's often kept in a messy bun with side bangs framing her face. Father's bangs covered a portion of the right side of his face, but it was neat and the rest of his hair was tied in a loose ponytail. Mother's skin was darker, making the bright colour of her eyes stand out as Father had said.

Mother did not look into mirrors, so he was sure that even Mother did not know the colour of her eyes. However it was easy for others to see that he was her son, but it was possibly because all of them wore shirts with sleeves that went far past their hands. He and Father were prone for more kimono-like shirts whilst Mother was content with the black high-collared one and matching pants. Father was _far too pleased_ by the fact that her clothes were previously his. Mitsuki could guess _why_ but decided it wasn't worth the trauma.

Mitsuki could not fault Mother for not seeing Father as a respectable and probable husband that she could be proud of, but it was still upsetting to know that Mother was not happy. It was more _infuriating_ , he supposed, because Father was simply elated with her existence and Mother wanted to consistently commit suicide. Mitsuki thought that Mother would like Father more if he was less… _well_ , less of himself.

So it was with _great satisfaction_ that his body slammed into Father's, crushing him into the tough surface of Manda's head. Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer used the momentary distraction to soar into the pastel-coloured clouds just as the dirt and trees disappeared and the sea took their place. Mitsuki could only hope that the magical flying carpet would allow Mother to evade the disturbing twelve-year-old whom had an unhealthy and possibly _sexual_ obsession with Mother. _Gross_.

Father hissed and so Mitsuki jumped back, preparing for an attack. However, Father's eyes glazed over in memory. "I first met Shun when she landed on me in the middle of the marketplace, naked and with the force of a meteor." was his airy comment and Mitsuki suspected that it was probably what gave Father brain damage. "She broke my ribs, gave me internal bleeding and my first erection. She was _glorious_."

Mitsuki squinted at Father and belatedly realised that his impulsive and admittedly reckless plan would be harder to enact because… well, it was _Father_.

" _That's_ why okaa-sama doesn't like you despite the fact that she thinks you're attractive, otou-sama." he informed Father, whose gaze snapped into focus at the mention of Mother finding Father attractive. "You're _gross_ and _creepy_ and I think okaa-sama would like you better if you were cool and… less forthcoming with your thoughts."

Father's expression was scarily similar to Mother's clearly unimpressed face. No wonder people thought they were similar and matched, if all those insignificant civilians could only see things at face value.

"I _am_ cool and I have been told many times that my ability to speak my thoughts regardless of judgment is admirable." was Father's somewhat childish response as he folded his arms and jutted his hip to the side in what Mother would have described as the _'sassy judgment stance'_. It was not a _cool_ stance.

Mitsuki's lips curled into a smile Mother said was similar to Father's _'innocent-but-not-really'_ smile. "But they don't know you like okaa-sama does and okaa-sama's judgment means more than anyone else's, right? So if okaa-sama doesn't think you're cool and admirable then there's no point."

Father scrutinised him, but was unable to formulate a reply when their conversation was interrupted by the giant crow summon _bursting_ through the clouds in a clear effort to evade something. They both turned to look at it, Father apparently having finally realised that Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer had gone after Mother. Father hissed something unintelligible, but unfortunately Father wasn't able to speak Parseltongue and so it sounded strange to Mitsuki.

Mitsuki jumped when a _gigantic black dragon_ followed after the crow cutting through the clouds like a monster of death, its gaping maw looming over the summon's pitifully-sized body and _crushing it_. The peculiar crunch of the crow was offset by its abrupt dispersal, white smoke fleeing the dragon's jaw in an ominous fashion.

Manda ceased moving, its large body opting to float on the surface of the water. "If I have to fight that, Orochimaru… I'm _fucking out_ because though I loathe to admit it, dragons outclass snakes." it hissed out, it too watching as a _certain cockroach_ in the sky turned into a giant flaming skeleton. It looked tiny in comparison to the _magnificence_ of the dragon.

Then, Mitsuki realised with horror, that the dragon's illuminate eyes were _pink_.

" _Okaa-sama_?!" he exclaimed, his head snapping over to Father whose gaze was one of pure awe. Which meant that he was drooling. _Again_. Mitsuki had his work cut out for him if he was going to try and get Mother to even begin to _like_ Father. "Okaa-sama's a _dragon_?!"

Father, unsurprisingly, didn't even bother to look at him and was content to stare and drool at the _epic thrashing_ Mother was giving Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer. However, the cockroach _just wouldn't die_ even when Mother backhanded the skeleton and it crashed into the ocean. Where _was_ Three-Quarter Bitch Face, by the way?

"Is she not magnificent, Mitsuki-kun?" was Father's rhetorical question of wonder, his camera already out and snapping away as he _wiggled_ his posterior in a peculiar manner. "Would this mean that you, _our legacy_ , are a Dragonborn of some sort?"

Mother _roared_ and _tore apart_ the giant flaming skeleton that had turned into a fleshy warrior. The ocean shook and waves crashed against each other. Mitsuki felt a form of pride at his Mother, despite the absurdity of the situation.

"If you manage to help me successfully woo her, Mitsuki-kun, I would be indebted to you." said Father, the continuous sound of the camera clicking increasing in speed as Mother turned back into a human. Mother was naked as the magical flying carpet caught her and she stood upon it like she were a _goddess_ , the clouds parting to make way for the sun's rays to bathe her body in light. The pink dragon from before draped itself around her bare shoulders, and as Manda began to move again, Mitsuki could see that there was indeed a mark on Mother's left butt cheek like the Dark Moonlight Guardian had said.

"I could give you one of my body pillows." Father thought, ruining the suspended moment of Mother's epic existence. "I possess one where she is naked, but that will always be my favourite so no I think not. It is magnificent, truly."

Mitsuki frowned as his gut churned with distaste, rather not wanting the image of what Father did with that particular body pillow and thinking that it should be obvious that he _did not_ want a body pillow of Mother naked. Perhaps he should just give up on Father and tell Mother of all the hidden ̶ _and filthy ̶_ items dedicated to her. Now that he knew Mother was a colossal dragon, Mother might be happy if she killed Father.

It sounded _far more likely_ as her manic laughter reached his ears.

A smaller crow popped into existence not too far from Manda, Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer and Three-Quarter Bitch Face riding on its back. The latter was bawling his eye ̶ eyes? ̶ out and clinging to the roughened up latter, whom apparently didn't care that his idol/god/ _whatever_ had tried to _tear him apart_. Instead, the boy looked as though he was _overcome_ with disturbing euphoria as he shivered with suspected delight. _Eugh_.

The thought of saving himself from Mother's wrath by throwing Father into the fray of doom was growing to be a far more pleasant idea. Mother was sure to forgive him, _probably_ , if he supplied all the incriminating information he had of Father.

 _Or_ Mother would just burn the world. It was a definite possibility.

"I just want okaa-sama to be happy." Mitsuki murmured to Father, staring up at Mother whose bun had come loose and was billowing out behind her. Mother didn't seem to care for her modesty. "It would be nice to see okaa-sama laugh in a non-maniacal fashion that indicates she's lost a good portion of her remaining rationality." he added, as Mother spread her arms out and was laughing at nothing as if she were an evil villain of the stories she sometimes told him about.

Father's eyes _sparkled_ at the idea and so Mitsuki had reluctantly spent the remainder of his time with Father concocting numerous plans to woo Mother. Father was _most definitely_ an idiot and it hurt to try and brainstorm with him. Sometimes Father _could_ be cool, but then Mother unintentionally made him into a creepy weirdo. Mitsuki was fairly sure that this was life-threatening and he wasn't entirely sure that Mother wouldn't get rid of him when this was all over. Mother cared about him, but to what extent?

Fortunately and probably unfortunately as well, their journey was coming to a close when the ocean disappeared into sand and Sunagakure came into view. Mother was still standing on the magical flying carpet with a pink dragon draped across her shoulders, _still_ naked and the sunlight was making an effort to follow her and illuminate her illustrious form. Mitsuki blamed Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer, _the bastard_ for her lapse in rationality.

Mitsuki decided that if were to enlist the wrath of Mother with his impulsive plan, he would make sure that Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer _and_ Father would be harmed in his place. If nothing else, their deaths might cheer her up. _If_ they could actually die. Maybe he should have focused on that instead.

"Should I buy her new underwear?" Father queried as he hunched over his scrapbook to glue his new photos of Mother into it. "I might have taken a majority of them to put in _'My Wife's Underwear Collection'_."

"Okaa-sama's going to _kill_ me." Mitsuki muttered.

* * *

 **A/N:** Because dragons. I admit, I wasn't expecting for Shun to feel like a complex and fleshy character in a crack fic, but you know. Shit happens. **Also, heads up in that I'm going to take a week off from updating every ten chapters so that I don't force lose my mojo by trying to force myself to write every day.** So you'll see an update next week on Wednesday/Thursday depending on where you are. I update at midnight from here in Australia.

Thank you all for the wonderful support, like holy shit there's nearly one hundred reviews already. Also, a wonderful reader named wyteeth has written a fanfic of this fanfic! It's called Mess is Mine to Make and goddamn, _I feel_. It's a nightmare. Seriously though, go check it out and give them some love.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	11. Squishy Booty!

**A/N:** I'm back, bitches. I was not expecting Sunagakure to end up the way it did.

* * *

After her fit of mad evil villain dragon laughter, Orochimaru had thought it appropriate to somehow find the momentum to jump up and join her on the magical flying carpet. He then thought it _equally_ appropriate to grab her posterior flesh, squeeze it multiple times in an experimental manner and then say to her that it had grown in size and had become squishier. That then lead her to realising that yes, she _had_ grown a nicely rounded and squishy booty just as Orochimaru thought it appropriate to do and say the same for her breasts.

 _Why_ her body had changed in such a way was beyond her. It was not as though she exercised, so she promptly blamed the dragon genes.

She, of course, could not feel the sensations as a normal woman would when their bare breasts were claimed and fondled with by genuinely amazed tongue slut virgins. That was much to her relief, for all she could feel was a dull pressure to let her know that she was indeed being fondled with. It made her also realise that she would be like an interactive sex doll who couldn't feel shit if she were to throw her virginity into someone's face. The thought amused her, though she didn't quite understand why and so blamed delirium.

Her fondler was multitasking between thoroughly groping her and defending himself from a barrage of kunai, most likely thrown by a certain little weasel child that could also be considered a tongue slut.

A filthy, _intense_ tongue slut.

Her mouth had been _thoroughly violated_ and the best she could do was frown in distaste, her delirium forcing her to lack an appropriate reaction. Instead, she had realised the absurdity of the situation and decided that she just didn't much care for the fact that Orochimaru decided he needed to dress her as if she were incapable of doing such a thing herself.

There was a sign in her mind as her over-eager puppy of a husband blatantly perved on her and dressed her as slowly as he could until she pointed out that Itachi the Mouth Rapist and Dragon Transformation Trigger could see her as plain as day. The creepy teleiophilic boy probably had a dozen nude pictures to go into his scrapbook.

The sign said; _'Fucks? What fucks? They went straight to Fuck Nopeville and_ _ **died**_ _. Shame, really.'_

She imagined someone placing dead flowers onto the grave of her intense disgust, lightly mourning its loss before her mind told her that she would probably revive it at some point. Like after she had enough time to register that she turned into a _motherfucking dragon_ and bitch slapped that twelve-year-old fuckweasel. She wasn't sure if she was looking forward to it or not, and had attempted to decipher her befuddled emotions after she adjusted her underwear that she had thought she lost.

It just turned out that Orochimaru always kept a bunch of her clothes sealed in a scroll on his person, so he could smell them whenever he had to go on a mission. She nodded as if it were a perfectly reasonable explanation. It, of course, _was not_. She poked him in the eye and he had laughed.

She did not like the fact that his laugh was not a high-pitched giggle but some sort of disturbingly pleasant sound. It had made her intestines clench and she realised that the thought of Orochimaru actually attracting her was still strong enough to elicit a gag. She felt so conflicted with herself and it was _such a pain_.

Orochimaru had drooled into her hair when he managed to get her to sit in his lap, which was not a very pleasant fact to be aware of and Prince agreed when the drool had started to touch his pink scales. That was a shame for Prince, because they were _tainted_ now. His pink scales were _shiny_ and _sparkly_ and _wonderful_.

"Oh, right." she had muttered after realising that her creepy and _annoyingly_ attractive husband would stop drooling in her hair if she told him of baby fuckweasel's adventures. "Itachin-chin mouth raped me with his mouth, yeah. Lots of horrified and muffled screams on my part and the disturbing realisation that he is actually a very good kisser. Then I transformed into a dragon and tried to erase his existence, as you know."

That _had_ worked, though it was with bad timing because the tongue slut duo had started another round of attempting to murder each other as soon as they arrived at Sunagakure. The poor, _insignificant_ bastards of Sunagakure. What a _shame_.

The thought of a twelve-year-old being a good kisser could only make her stomach give a twinge of disgust and a mild frown to mar her face, which wasn't as strong as her previous line of thought but at least she felt something.

Orochimaru had turned into some kind of white snake thing and was actually doing a remarkable job of kicking Baby Weasel the Second Tongue Slut's ass. Said Baby Weasel the Second Tongue Slut continued to retell how delicious she tasted despite his current disadvantage, which brought forth another revolted curl of her lips.

She could get used to less intense bouts of disgust, she thought, as giant hands made of sand began to randomly join in on the fight. Mitsuki was fighting Kakashi for some obscure reason, though it was revealed when Mitsuki yelled about how much of a failure it was for Three-Quarter Bitch Face to let Weasel the Worshipping Palm Sniffer violate his mother like that.

What an adorable pet child Mitsuki was. She'd have to make him some scrambled eggs when they returned home.

The magical flying carpet flew into the gaping window of the Kazekage's office, her arrival throwing his neatly stacked papers everywhere as the sun highlighted her form. She was sure the drool had dried in her hair and hoped that they had plumbing because she would have liked a shower. She had been violated quite a lot on the journey, after all.

Sitting behind the desk that had been cleaned of paper, was the Third Kazekage rather than Gaara's slut of a father. The fact that he was attractive annoyed her for some reason, though she supposed it was because this world was full of pretty bishounen fuckboys and they were rarely the type of people she could be fond of.

The current destruction of Sunagakure that was happening behind her was a _prime_ example.

"Surprise bitch, I'm a dragon and I am on a magical flying carpet. Fear me." she deadpanned, now sitting down with her legs crossed. She adjusted her bra, because Orochimaru had been playing with it and she sighed at the realisation that she needed to buy new undergarments. Something in the back of her mind cried at the loss of her rationality. "I mean, hello Kazekage whose name has never been announced. I'd say we come in peace but my supposed team members are demolishing your village. Shame, that."

The Kazekage simply smiled, his narrow eyes possessing white irises instead of yellow and black sclera. She wouldn't admit that guys with black sclera would always look badass in her eyes. They would probably obsess over that one line and she would just rather that _not_ happening.

"Shun-sama." the Kazekage intoned and she just wished for attractive men to just _stop_ having attractive voices. Why couldn't they be high-pitched and weird so she could laugh at them? Because the higher forces loved to make her suffer. Or they just wanted lots of hot guys to bother her for no reason other than the fact that she existed. No, that was still making her suffer. _Those sluts_. This should have made the average girl happy with the unreasonable attention of the opposite gender.

She was not an average girl, unfortunately. She was a colossal dragon thing that rode on magical flying carpets and had pink dragons named Fairy Princess Sparkle Bug draped around her neck. There was also the drool in her hair.

"I have been waiting for your arrival, as have many of my people." he told her, rather at ease with the fact that his village was _literally_ being demolished. Baby panda the Serial Killer was not helping in regards to stopping the epic fight between a weasel, a snake, a basilisk and Courage the Cowardly Dog. Literally, there was a large Courage the Cowardly Dog and a teenaged scarecrow was clutching onto its ear.

She somewhat hoped they would stop soon, because they might destroy the plumbing that the village might have. She also blinked when the Third Kazekage decided to appear in front of her in a rather abrupt fashion, reaching up to brush his fingers against her jaw bone.

Her response was to _bite his fucking fingers off_. He hissed in pain but she realised with distaste that he had a particularly noticeable rape face activated. She hummed in discomfort and Prince sneezed pink fire. She belatedly realised that she had already chewed and swallowed his fingers.

As she thought, cooked human meat was far better than raw.

"I was genuinely surprised to know that the Hokage would have let you leave the village when I requested you." he started, beginning his nice exposition as he licked the severed flesh where his fingers had once been, his eyes maintaining its connection with hers. Was she… was she supposed to be _turned on_ by the fact that he was licking his wounds that she had so benevolently thrust upon him? Because _no_? "I have been waiting to see you for so long, Shun-sama. Konohagakure does not know of your true magnificence but we, Sunagakure do. You will lead us to paradise, Shun-sama."

She was abruptly bombarded with images of Pillar the Paedophilic Hooker and Spot the One-eyed Pole. Were they even still alive?

Nameless Third Kazekage went on. "You are the one from the Prophecy of a Thousand Sluts, sent to us so that we may be pledge ourselves to be a part of your reverse harem. Whether or not you are in your draconic magnificence or not." he explained, implying that he and the rest of her reverse harem would not care about bestiality. Her main problem was that her dragon form was the literal size of a mountain. What were they going to do, jump into her draconic womb and hope she felt something?

She let out a sharp bark of laughter at the thought.

"Shun-sama will save us if we pledge ourselves to you, leading us to massive orgy parties and epic sexual adventures." Third Kazekage informed her, which then prompted her to decide that he fucked in the head and had probably lead everyone else to believe as he did.

So she did as any rational person would. She _lunged_ for his throat and _ripped it out_ with her teeth, unintentional in the whole swallowing his raw human flesh. Again. Third Kazekage squirmed on the floor, a spotlight appearing out of nowhere and focusing in on him as the world darkened. Rainbows and sparkles surrounded him as his face was reminiscent to the default Hentai Face. There began an internal monologue that she could hear but was not comfortable with hearing.

 _"_ _ **Ah**_ _, Shun-sama has ripped out my throat and a part of me is inside her as I lay here dying in ecstasy!_ _ **Ah**_ _! This is the best day of my life and I will leave here without regrets!_ _ **Ah**_ _! She is squinting at me with those disgusted eyes of hers as if I am filth beneath her heels!_ _ **Shun-sama!**_ _"_

Then he made some gurgling sounds and died, the spotlight disappearing and the darkness receding. She wiped her face and patted the magical flying carpet she decided to simply call Carpet, whom was very obedient and flew out of the office to her next destination; where ever the showers were.

She saw a little panda baby known as Gaara standing atop one of the few remaining roofs, looking no older than six as he folded his arms and mentally manipulated his sand with a constipated exxpression. Carpet changed its course and headed straight for the creepy panda baby.

Said creepy panda baby didn't notice her arrival until she had scooped him up, the building he had previously stood upon crumbling under the hard tail of Orochimaru's giant purple snake that fought alongside him. Wide, sea foam eyes heavily lined by black stared up at her with a worrying amount of wonder and incredulity.

"You saved me…" he whispered, his hands tightening on her shirt. "I love you. Be my okaa-sama." he proclaimed, his brow bone furrowing in intensity.

She decided that he was cute enough and that she might as well since his village was being destroyed beyond repair. "If you obey everything I command of you, then yeah sure." she accepted, the lingering rationality telling her that it was a bad idea. She knew and she couldn't put up the effort to care.

Gaara's eyes lit up and he smiled. It was adorable. _Gross_. "We have to pick up otou-sama first." he told her, which gave her intense _nonsensical plot movement_ vibes. He pointed over to the sand tower merged into the wall that used to surround Sunagakure. Atop the tower, stood a familiar man of red hair and honey eyes. "Then we can go where ever you want to."

Orochimaru and Mitsuki were _not_ going to be amused that she accidentally picked up a new family. She decided that she would do whatever the fuck she wanted to do, because she was a motherfucking colossal dragon of great terror. She also decided that she would take a swim in the ocean on the way back because what remained of Sunagakure was a wreck of sand and the tortured screams of surviving civilians. Whom were insignificant.

Then she would ask if Minato had planned for Sunagakure's fall when he decided to send her and her dysfunctional team over. He had that intelligent vibe to him, despite his unfortunate trait where he constantly bled from his face because his wife was a beast in bed.

"Hello, Shun-sama. I am Akasuna no Sasori, Gaara's adopted otou-sama." greeted the familiar man of red hair and honey eyes.

She noted that he appeared as though he was super off his face.

* * *

 **A/N:** How has your week been? Great? Horrible? Mine's been a bit emotional and that's been gross. I woke myself up because I just remembered to upload this for you all. One hundred reviews, guys for only ten chapters. Gah. I appreciate all the attention this random crack fic has gotten. I wasn't expecting Sunagakure to be done in a chapter, but you know. I will go back to sleep now.

Reviews are love. Reviews are live. It's never ogre.


	12. Unwanted Fluff!

**A/N:** A few hours late from my general schedule. Got distracted and had a small case of writer's block.

* * *

Orochimaru was, safe to say, _not_ pleased with the discovery that she had unintentionally picked up two redheads whom had dubbed her as their new mother and wife. Although, the mother thing was correct but she wasn't quite sure about being Sasori's wife since there had to be legal documents and whatnot like she and Orochimaru had. That _was_ the only reason the reptilian bastard was considered her husband after all.

Mitsuki had hissed at Gaara, whose small form had been clinging to her side like a koala and glaring at the biologically older child. Her eldest had clung to her other side, hissing insults in Parseltongue and prompting her to commend him on his creative thought. She didn't bother to question where he got such colourful insults, as some things were better left unknown.

Like the fact that Sasori was sexually attracted to his puppets and somehow he believed that her beauty transcended his sex dolls/puppets/ _whatever_ , therefore he wished to stick his pew-pew stick in her. She, of course, laughed because it reminded her of her previous line of thought about sex dolls. Sasori then thought that was a confirmation and tried to take her then and there, on Carpet in the air with two children hanging off her.

Orochimaru _straight up_ bitch slapped Sasori and then there was some sort of backstory argument regarding their past. It sounded homosexual to her, but her husband assured her that the only one he had ever been sexually and romantically interested in was _her_. Sasori then took on an expression that reminded her of a scorned bitch, which was amusing to her until he declared that he would steal me away from his former… associate or something. She honestly wanted to call them former sex buddies but the image of puppetry and stretchy limbs was just not worth it.

The tongue slut duo then made a truce to kill off Sasori, because they were eternal rivals and they didn't need another male to interfere. Mitsuki was not pleased with the arrangement, though was Team Orochimaru and Gaara was unsurprisingly Team Sasori. A fight between a snake and a puppet, rather an undead guy and a shapeshifting mutt. Kakashi somehow ended up hiding behind her and braiding her hair, apparently having amnesia courtesy of her cotton candy pet child. She _really_ needed to make him scrambled eggs.

"Tell me something, Prince." she murmured to the pink dragon chilling on her shoulders. Said dragon hummed in acknowledgement. " _What_ the fuck and _why_ the fuck?" was her vague question, though she wasn't exactly expecting a response. Mitsuki and Gaara shifted, their faces similar with their bemused frowns. They would get along eventually, after hating each other for a while. Although she was probably going to put Gaara onto Minato, because Gaara was human and they only ate human meat, various types of eggs and gummies made of human remains.

"What did you say, okaa-sama?" Mitsuki queried, his brow furrowing further as he scrutinised my face.

She blinked, then glanced at Prince. The pink dragon yawned and then explained. "We communicate via Dovahzul, love. It's the language of the dragons. Your child is only half, so something in his genes mutated and that is why he speaks Parseltongue. The world where you previously resided was not your original realm and so the higher forces attempted to rectify the situation by sending you home. Unfortunately, you are a special being and they found it difficult to transport you, which lead to you residing in this nonsensical world rather than your original."

"It hurts me when something attempts to make sense of the madness." she sighed in regret, watching Orochimaru and Sasori fought on Manda as they journeyed through the ocean. She had the abrupt thought of somehow setting the latter on fire, just to see if his puppet body was resistant to fire. "I shouldn't have asked. My mistake."

As it turned out, _yes_ his puppet body was resistant to normal fire as Itachi's spontaneous fiery spit ball engulfed the stoned-looking redhead. Then she realised that _she_ could set people on fire simply by blowing air in their direction. It was a surprise to see Sasori burst into sparkly pink flames, a startled yelp escaping him before he fell into the ocean with a loud splash. It left the rest of them to take a moment of silence in order to register what the actual fuck just happened, though _no one_ stopped to pick him up.

He'd live. _Probably_.

"You're a dragon, Shun." Prince repeated, his tone of voice leisurely as if he was about to drift off to sleep. "A special type of dragon, love. You were a god, but they made you fall and now you're like this."

Fairy Princess Sparkle Bug the pink exposition dragon, her mind supplied. Her previous words of madness having explanations echoed in her mindscape, because honestly _fuck that noise_. She was some godly special and draconic dick magnet whose life made no sense and yet somehow made sense, but she really _didn't_ want it to make sense. There was _no need_ to make sense of the senselessness. It hurt too much and it was as though she was the protagonist of a badly thought out fanfiction.

She was _so goddamn tired_ and Gaara's panicked wails of _'otou-sama'_ were irritating her, so she knocked the kid out and flung him at Itachi. Fortunately for the little panda baby, the twelve-year-old tongue slut caught him with ease and continued onwards without complaint.

She had to enjoy the small things in life.

Orochimaru was staring off into the distance where Sasori had fallen into the ocean, looking pensive as the wind pushed against his hair and clothes and a rather cinematic fashion. When she attempted to try and set him on fire as well, a scorch mark in the shape of lips formed on his cheek. She frowned and hummed with the realisation of her mistake, feeling her expression contort with discomfort when his reptilian eyes slid over to her in awe. He brushed his fingers against his injured cheek.

"Kill me." she groaned, squishing an overly pleasant Mitsuki to her. Her favourite pet child did some kind of adorable chuckle before he wrapped his arms around her neck and rubbed his cheek against his. She assumed it was because the creepy panda baby with no eyebrows was now away from her and he had her to himself.

Kakashi sneezed from behind her, eliciting a disgusted groan that she assumed was because he got snot and/or phlegm stuck in his mask. The _poor bastard_ that she didn't pity at all.

Orochimaru did his ninja thing of appearing out of nowhere and smashing both her and Mitsuki to him in an overwhelmingly _affectionate_ manner. Mitsuki's demeanour only became more delighted as he squished both her and his father's faces together.

"Now kiss!" he demanded, his pleasant smile turning devious. _The little shit_. "Kiss him, okaa-sama! Kiss!"

"Mm… no." she rejected him, though was having a hard time attempting to extract herself from Orochimaru's hold. She was obviously trapped, but she could _feel_ the fluff forcing its way onto her and she just _didn't want_ the fluff, dammit! "No." she repeated, when her forceful husband somehow managed to cup her cheeks and make her meet his meaningful gaze.

 _Oh, god no, fuck that, eugh ̶_

"Orochin-chin, bad. No. Nooo." she was sure her expression was reflecting her extreme discomfort, some part of her vaguely aware that Mitsuki had kicked off Kakashi and jumped off after him to land on Manda. Well, she presumed.

Orochimaru pouted and though he listened to her lest she turn into a dragon and attempt to kill him too, he _refused_ to let her go and she was attempting to wrench his hands away by pulling at his wrists. Of course, to no avail because the fluff was with him.

" _He_ kissed you." hissed the pallid man, clearly thinking that her being mouth raped by a twelve-year-old boy's tongue was her consenting. "I am your husband." as if that was to mean anything because they were only married via legal papers and shit.

"I've had enough molestation of my being for one day, yeah." she returned, opting to attempt to bite his wrist off because his hands were getting sweaty and _it was gross_. "I've had enough molestation of my being for a lifetime, actually."

"Shun." he whined, once again making that facial expression that slackened his jaw and made him drool profusely. She blinked and hummed, thinking that _no_ , she'd rather _not_ kiss that. " _Shun_."

"Ugh, release me and go away, you fiend." she retorted, releasing his wrists in order to push his face, but then thought better when his firehose tongue touched both. "That's gross. You're gross. I don't want to kiss you. Because you're gross and I don't want to kiss gross things."

Orochimaru then decided to respond by extending his disgustingly long tongue to poke her nose. She wrinkled said nose and impulsively snapped at his tongue in hopes of _ripping it the fuck of_ f. She did not like his childishly pleasant smile as if her antics just endeared him. She was fairly certain that if she were to willingly stick her tongue down someone else's throat, he would simply kill off her affair partner and then attempt to sterilise her mouth. He wouldn't question her on her loyalty that she wasn't sure she even had.

It was sort of sad then, she realised. _Ugh, no_. Gross. Feels were bad. They needed to _stop_. She was so tired and she _couldn't fucking sleep_ , that was the root of a majority of her problems.

"You are my world." he confessed to her, sincere and yet at the same time it was almost like an afterthought. She was going to assume that this was the outcome of Mitsuki's brief attempt at trying to make his father more desirable. _Disgusting_.

"You're like the Voldemort to my Harry, just that you have a nose and you want to fuck me with your pew-pew stick rather than kill me with it." she replied, managing to loosen his grip on her cheeks. She didn't hesitate to move, but instead of back she went forward and it had a surprisingly nice outcome.

She broke his nose with her forehead and then in the same motion _ripped it off_ with her teeth without a thought put into the action. She _really_ needed to control the urge to tear things off of people, she thought as she spat out his nose because _snot_ and shit. Orochimaru did some kind of weird flailing whale noise that could also be somewhat like an elephant.

"Scratch that, now you have no nose as well." she smiled, genuine in her pleasure of the turn of events. Orochimaru gave her some sort of hurt puppy look as he attempted to snort. It sounded horrible, really. Shame though, that it started to regenerate soon after. "Damn it."

Her briefly Voldemort husband decided he would get revenge by licking all over her face. She blinked. She stood, she stripped down and _threw her underwear in his face_.

Then she jumped off of Carpet and transformed into a dragon to fly home herself. When she returned, there was a redheaded Naruto and _another_ Uchiha to meet.

She was half-expecting a reverse harem specifically full of Uchiha soon enough. It was possible and it made her want to curl up and _die_ even more.

* * *

 **A/N:** There is particularly more... fluff (?) because I spent like three hours just looking at cute baby Team Seven drawings and they just made me all fluffy inside. I am also dead tired, I was distracted by the new Odin Sphere game (OH, MY GOD YES I HAVE HAHAHAHAHA). So I might be a few hours later in uploading this week. (Also I might lowkey ship Shun and Orochimaru and it tears at me. Blame wyteeth. It's all their fault. Love you though. But don't worry about me probably forcing Shun into becoming genuinely mushy mush with Orochimaru. That would be a full on violation of her personality.)

Also, might be once again changing my update schedule to twice a week instead of this updating every day then taking a week off. Most likely because I'm going to be a bit busy and also diurnal for a little bit. So irregular updates for the time being. Sorry.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	13. Lowkey Albinos!

**A/N:** Sorry I was dead for a few days. Proper evil villain thing has finally arrived?

* * *

Uchiha Shisui was decidedly the first person to emit a genuinely dangerous serial killer that always smiled politely when gutting people vibe. It wasn't like it particularly made her fearful, just somewhat wary and also intrigued because the rest of her ragtag team of fuckwits were destructive dumbasses at best.

He was a young adult, standing tall and smiling down at her with a polite but sharp smile that was a contradicting mix of sincerity and insincerity. There was a particularly predatory gleam in his spinning eyes of red, as if he was studying and memorising her. It _mildly_ annoyed her how common that look was in her case.

She had already returned home before the others, her speed superior to all of them despite her colossal size. She was thankfully dressed when she met Shisui on her way to the Hokage tower, as it would have been quite the annoyance for people to ogle her and then proceed to pester her. There was already enough dickheads doing that. Even so, Shisui still eyed her in that annoying fashion of cataloguing her as precious prey or some shit.

And so, they stood there in the middle of the hall way with her folding her arms and hopefully portraying her annoyance with her body language. He, of course, was content to just… _stare_ at her. Once again, Uchiha and _their fucking staring_. When she exhaled in exasperated annoyance, she accidentally set him on fire.

"Oh. My bad." she said, her tone quite monotonous and insincere as he stepped back with only a mild frown marring his expression. Then he disappeared in a blur and then reappeared, the sparkly pink fire ceasing its destructive existence. He smiled at her once more, as if everything was perfectly fine. She wondered if he knew that she had actually hoped that the flames would kill him despite their existence being an accident.

"It's quite alright, Shun-sama." Shisui chuckled, sounding very much like a polite English villain. His lips parted into a smile that just barely revealed his teeth, something about it making her want to punch him in the throat. Except she _already_ wanted to punch him in the throat because of his _fucking staring_. "It's just a physical representation of how you make me hot."

Though her chest remained empty, her head knew that she did not like that horrid sentence and so her face clearly reflected her feelings. His smile seemed to widen at her expression and she wondered if he was more observant with her social cues than her reverse harem of fuckwits. That would be… well, that would be horrible because he had a sadistic vibe about him and nothing would be worse than someone purposefully making her life hell. Her husband and the rest of them didn't know any better, save for Mitsuki.

"Anyway, I'm surprised to find that you are alone. Though you are usually with your son or husband when you traverse the village, I know that you were all sent on a mission to Sunagakure. I expected you all to be together, you see." he explained to her, easily revealing that he knew information about her and her current affairs like a creep.

"They will catch up." she replied, her tone dubious as she scrutinised him. He was about the same height at Orochimaru, which meant that she only needed to crane her neck the slightest. However he was invading her bubble space and so her neck was in pain. She would have stepped back but she already tried that and he had walked forward to keep their close proximity. _The weirdo_. "Will you go away now?" she tried, not expecting anything to really come from it.

He elicited some sort of guttural sound that sounded vaguely sexual and she was indeed _weirded the fuck out_. "You're alone, I'm afraid. I was not expecting such a fortunate thing to occur. I can't let this opportunity go to waste." and the polite serial killer kidnapper rapist vibes punched the back of her head with such ferocity that she _actually_ ran without thought. She heard him chuckle before he appeared in front of her, clearly expecting her to stop and realise the futility of her situation.

She snarled and jumped him, digging her nails into his chest as she lunged for his throat. To her annoyance, he remained standing and held her face away from his face. Then to her dismay, he slammed her against the wall, pinning her as if this was some kind of sexual tension romance story. No. _Ugh_. No.

So she ripped at his chest that she still held onto, her eyes wide as she took in his pained and somewhat sexual expression. She would have turned into a dragon, but it was the Hokage tower and Minato had said that if the Hokage Tower was damaged again that he would stick her and the tongue slut duo into an indestructible room together to sort their shit out. She, of course, told him that she hoped Kushina would finish him off and burn his dick off.

"You've never reacted this way before." Shisui noted, his breath fanning her face. "Always grudging and annoyed, but you dealt with the situation. What's changed, Shun-sama?" he was curious and turned on, she could unfortunately tell with the dull pressure in her abdomen. Second boner to touch her. _Motherfucker_.

She blew at him and once again set him on sparkly pink fire. He gritted his teeth, attempting to hold through it as she remained unharmed. She smiled then and the flames turned rainbow, prompting him to elicit a genuine yell of pain.

Pushing him away from her, she regained her bearings and sprinted away for she knew that he would do his rapid shunshin thing and get rid of the flames. She had a feeling her fire was stronger when she was a mountain-sized dragon of badassery.

Bursting out onto the streets, she ran and did some parkour shit up the side of the building to run across the roof. Indeed, she was genuinely surprised at her own adept and formerly unknown abilities to do such a feat that required vigorous effort. She assumed it was the dragon genes as she accidentally exhaled and set a nearby shinobi on fire. She might have to backtrack and take his body for food later.

Safe to say, she laughed just as Shisui blurred in above her. She was annoyed to see that he looked relatively fine, save for his tarnished clothes. Something was wrong with that picture, she decided.

"I do enjoy this game of cat and mouse, Shun-sama!" he exclaimed, slamming down onto the space she had just rolled away from. "It makes my heart race even more, you know! You are fiery and magnificent, my love!"

Typical villain with a crush talk. _Honestly_.

She jumped to the next building, expecting for some sort of ex machina shit to happen lest she be kidnapped by a polite serial killer kidnapper rapist guy who looked Japanese but sounded English.

"I hate my life…" she muttered with great vehemence, barely registering the strange pressure spreading throughout her body, most specifically her head and spine. "I hate it so fucking much." and then she realised she had a tail as she stood upon a water tank, wondering _what the fuck_ and _why the fuck_ once more.

Shisui appeared at the top of the chain link fence, staring at her like one would when setting their sights upon a treasure. Orochimaru had a similar expression, but she thought his was more childlike and less like she would be raped in a Fifty Shades of Grey fashion. Ugh, that was a horrible movie.

"You're a sight to behold." he breathed in wonder, her nails ̶ claws, more likely ̶ digging into the water tank. Her ear twitched and she realised her hearing had improved. Partial dragon ex machina, perhaps? "You must be a beast in bed."

"Oh, my god." she groaned, feeling _so done_ with the shitty pickup lines. "Stop. Shisui, just ̶ stop."

He smiled a genuinely pleased grin, revealing his pristinely white teeth and looking all the more like a polite sort of kidnapper rapist serial killer thing. "You used my name." he noted, unintentionally pointing out her mistake. _Never_ verbally speak actual names or the owners would obsess over it, she learned early on.

"Fuck me." she swore, before realising her second mistake. "Fuck sake!" she exclaimed, slamming her unwanted tail into Shisui as he leaped for her. "Fuck off!" she then roared, slamming him down onto the water tank. Said water tank burst and she jumped to land on the concrete with Shisui laying in a crater across from her.

He simply sat up, his head bleeding and his shirt ragged and barely hanging onto him. It was always the fucking Uchiha, wasn't it? "Ow." he smiled in that good-natured kind of way, brushing himself off as he stood up. She could literally feel whatever draconic features she currently possessed sink back into her as she felt defeat crush down on her.

It was far too much effort to try and fight it, she remembered as she fixed her bun. Then she looked at the tattoo on his chest. "What the fuck is that?" she blurted out in an less than eloquent manner, gesturing to the tattoo decorating his annoyingly chiselled chest. He looked down.

"A seal to protect me from the fatality of dragon fire." he informed her, stepping out of his crater to advance upon her. "Just in case you had realised your true species. Lucky for me, yes?" Shisui the chatty English villain chuckled. Sounded like _nonsensical plot movement_ to her.

"But why do you have it and why the fuck is it a giant dragon penis with sparkles?" she demanded, impatient as she gestured towards the familiar symbol. Vaguely familiar, like the pull of memories trying to push through the amnesia in those amnesia related stories and shit. Aside from the fact that it was a well-drawn, giant sparkling dragon penis. There was a _story_ behind it, for god's sake.

Once again, he was in her personal space and she had just resigned herself to chilling against the fence with her arms folded. She assumed he enjoyed pinning her as he put his hands out on either side of her and gripped at the fence. He was still _fucking smiling_. She would never see the joy of having attractive men pin her to things, it was disturbing and uncomfortable because they generally thought she was turned on by their proximity. Which was straight up bullshit because _no_.

"Because the last time we were together, you set me on fire and then disappeared from our realm. When I attempted to follow you, I ended up here." he chuckled for random exposition time, sounding more and more villainous the longer she interacted with him. "And though you appeared here in a new form, I knew it was you and I had to prepare for the possibility that when I finally reunite with you, you would attempt to set me on fire again. You play hard to get, after all."

She blinked at him, her face void of expression to clearly demonstrate that she couldn't deal with the bullshit that came out of his mouth. His eyes went from red to an eerily familiar green, his skin becoming a sickly pale and his hair turning white. His bones snapped as his face shifted to reform into a familiar facial shape. The dramatic reveal, her mind supplied.

Memories forced themselves into her brain, the higher forces making sure that she still fit the criteria of their bullshit protagonist with amnesiac memories and an obsessive person from the past. Lots of albino males, ice, multi-coloured fire and panties.

Why panties? Polka-dot panties?

Not enough vivid memories, apparently. She spat at Shisui-not-Shisui. He pressed himself against her in response. Gross. _Really gross_. Utterly gross. He was really fucking cold.

"Remember me yet?" he murmured in question, the English accent in his voice much stronger now. Apparently her original world was within a fantasy land with albinos, panties and English accents. "You should remember me. I _need_ you to remember me. All these years without you, with me unable to remove you from my thoughts. If you were to forget me when I care for you so…" he trailed off in an ominous manner, even as she simply blinked. With a swift punch to the throat, he returned to looking like Shisui as he stumbled back and held his bruised throat.

"Fuck your side story." she swore as she approached him and buried her hand into his chest. "Fuck it in the ass with a dragon's dick. I have scrambled eggs to make, silence to embrace and insignificant civilians to murder and then butcher for dinner."

Then she pulled her hand out of his chest, set his heart on rainbow fire and ate it. She expected him to return without explanation as villains tended to do.

To test the theory, she would gouge out his eyes and cook him. Orochimaru would like red eyes of bullshit.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the inconsistent updating. I was on a roll on the first week, then when things started to slow down I realised that if I push myself to keep a schedule I'll probably stress myself the fuck out because I'm really bad at organising shit. So, I think I might just keep my update schedule open but hopefully frequent because the whole thing where I say I will update at this time and then don't is really disappointing. Thank you cracks sluts so much for the support though. Beautiful darlings you are.

Anyway! Shisui and Shun have a past and I don't know why. I feel like he'll come back at some point. I was somewhat influenced by those action scenes in stories and stuff where the newbie-ish character goes up against a villain and unlocks a new power and becomes all badass. This is a perversion of such a scenario, clearly.

Reviews are love. Reviews are live. It's never ogre!


	14. Animals and Pixie Dust!

**A/N:** I can't remember writing this. Also, I have a wonderful nonsensical plot movement idea. Mwaha.

* * *

After dragging Shisui's corpse back home, cutting it into smaller pieces and setting it on fire after flaying off the tattooed skin, she decided to attempt to visit Minato once more. If there was some other English villain from her unknown and unwanted past, she would legitimately _destroy_ Konoha as a whole. Save for her place and that café she liked. Probably. She'd more than likely destroy both by accident, though her home _was_ fairly isolated.

When she was thankfully able to enter the Hokage's office, she recoiled back in mild horror when the Hokage's face no longer possessed _any_ burnt skin. Just bleeding flesh and wide eyes that stared into her soul. Round two with Kushina's Chamber of Secrets, it would seem.

Horrifying, she had thought as she greeted him then turned to stare at the little red-haired child chilling on the couch and staring at her with intelligent eyes of cerulean. Naruto was a six-year-old whose significantly blonde hair was nowhere to be seen, leaving long and unruly red hair hanging in his eyes.

They stared at one another, scrutinising each other before he closed whatever book he was reading and stood to walk towards her. She followed him with her eyes, noting his graceful gait as if he were a well-trained royal rather than a six-year-old who smelled distinctly of foxes and pixy dust. She didn't even know that there was a smell to pixy dust until now.

Naruto grabbed her hand and sniffed it as a canine or a feline would do, though it reminded her of her first meeting with Itachi. It felt so long ago when she had merely been confined to Orochimaru's apartment. Things were simpler back then.

"You smell nice." the red-haired Naruto noted, high-pitched voice belying his adult-like tone. There was thankfully no creepy underlying tone or expression, but she was still scrutinising him as he pressed her hand against his cheek. "Somewhat like Kurama."

"Your fairy nine-tailed fox friend?" she inquired, deciding that if he was going to be all touchy she would play with his surprisingly soft and wonderful hair. He made some cute foxy expression and she wondered if she unknowingly had a partiality towards cute children with adult-like mentalities. It was likely, because the main reason as to why she generally disliked children is because of their ignorant mentality. It had always annoyed her when children were being annoying and parents or some shit were like, _'They're kids, they don't know any better.'_ like it wasn't a thing to teach children shit. Fucking sluts.

His eyes widened, incredulous. "How do you know that?" he questioned her, with the wonder of a child. She blinked at him and he cleared his throat, attempting to correct his reaction with an aloof demeanour. He failed as she ran her nails along his scalp and elicited some baby fox sound and went all squishy. "I mean, I guess that you would know because you're Shun-sama. I've heard a lot about you, but the thing on your forehead is new."

Removing one of her hands from his fluffy hair, she touched her forehead and realised there was some sort of crystal thing stuck in the middle. She decided that she just didn't care, her appearance had been changing lately and she would just have to accept it. Worrying about it would just mess her up. More than usual, anyway.

"I suppose it is." she murmured in reply as fox ears and a tail popped into existence on Naruto's form. She once again blinked as his eyes turned red and the scent of fox and pixie dust grew stronger. With a raised brow she ventured a question of, "Kurama?"

Apparently correct, Kurama's eyes lit up with the joy of being recognised. His ears and his tail also revealed signs of joy as he threw himself into her arms. " ̶ ̶ ̶ ̶ ! You remember me, do you? I clearly should not be surprised since I have always been the best of my siblings. You look different and I hear you go by Shun-sama now." the growling fox-child informed her, his ears twitched as she played with them. "The others miss you. We all miss you. Why did you leave?" then he looked up at her with hurt, anger and desperation.

She blinked again. "You used my real name." she murmured in note, noticing the tenseness of his shoulders as she stared down at him. "I couldn't hear it, but I know it's my real name. How peculiar, Kurama." she smiled at him and he looked torn between being pleased and afraid, wanting to stay in contact with her but also wanting to back away.

" ̶ ̶ ̶ ̶ … You're different. Colder. What happened to you?" Kurama extracted himself from her, his ears flat against his head and his tail between his legs. She could remember nothing except for what he was like in the anime, which was _clearly_ not reliable at this point in time. He sniffed the air and seemed to realise something, staring at her in horror. "That _albino beast_ has been in contact with you!"

"Who has?" a familiar voice queried as the window to the office burst into countless shards, Orochimaru and Mitsuki standing upon Carpet with the sun illuminating their forms. Itachi, Kakashi and Gaara popped into existence from beside her, the youngest meeting Naruto's eyes with a bewildered expression. Shards shattered into even smaller shards upon contact with her body. Kurama apparently became intangible and the shards went straight through him. Must be a glitch in the Matrix. _Like everything else_.

"My best buddy in the whole entire universe." Gaara breathed and Kurama raised his hands before _noping the fuck out_ and letting Naruto return. She realised baby panda smelt like raccoon dog and _also_ pixie dust. "My best buddy in the whole entire universe! Unhand me, _perverted bitch-eyes_! I must go to my best buddy in the whole entire universe!" he demanded, in which then led to Itachi throwing Gaara into Naruto which then turned into some kind of cute rolling reunion on the floor about best buddies. Bitch-eyes…

Orochimaru and Mitsuki bombarded her as Itachi looked at her in both relief and mild bemusement before addressing the bleeding face Hokage. Her family sniffed her in a rather annoying fashion, the eldest of the two licking her right hand and then narrowing his eyes at her. Prince sneezed from his place on Carpet.

"Shun." he intoned, all deep and serious and _annoying_. She heaved a sigh as Mitsuki nuzzled her ribcage. Scrambled eggs, _goddamn it_. "You smell like filthy Uchiha Fan Bam Wham shampoo. Why?"

"What?" she returned. Her face blank.

"Uchiha Fan Bam Wham shampoo. Ridiculously expensive but great for that silky smooth touch. As the advertisement goes." he explained, his expression still irritated. "You smell of that and cinders, though you have always smelt of cinders. It is a wonderful smell, but it is being overpowered by the Uchiha Fan Bam Wham shampoo. I wish to know why and if it is because _another_ Uchiha has defiled you, _I will eradicate them_."

She glanced to Minato, whose lidless eyes were staring into the soul of Itachi's. Somewhat disturbing, she thought.

"Shisui is like an evil English villain with an obsession, who is also secretly a green-eyed albino with unnecessary tattoos. So I killed him for now. We will have him for dinner tonight." she explained, watching as Itachi's head snapped towards her. He grimaced as he gave himself whiplash or something. "He will probably return as villains are wont to do, yeah."

Itachi stared at her, once again unblinking as Orochimaru muttered some weird shit about Uchiha and nuzzled one side of her neck. She was not fond of the creepy stare from baby weasel.

"He betrayed me…" the teleiophilic twelvie murmured, looking more apprehensive than betrayed. "I had expected such a thing to happen eventually, but not when we had a deal. Shun-sama, I apologise for the inconvenience but I must take my leave. I will return."

Itachi looked genuinely apologetic for a second there as if she would _actually_ be upset with his absence, then he disappeared in swirl of leaves as Kakashi cried something about leaving Obito for too long and he too left. Gaara and Naruto were still rolling around on the ground and she hoped that it wouldn't turn into some shotacon shit. _Eugh_. Too much licking, she decided. _Too much licking_.

Orochimaru growled something into her neck and she frowned as she pulled on his hair. Mitsuki was still content to giggle from her side, which was both adorable and mildly creepy. She turned to Minato, whose unsettling gaze was already set upon her. Blood dribbled from his exposed teeth.

 _Mm_. Gross.

"So, you know. Sunagakure." she prompted, futile in her attempts to push her clingy family away. Now Orochimaru was giggling and his giggle was _nowhere_ near adorable. "Stop, Orochin-chin. Stop."

"No." he managed to mumble, deciding to rub his cheek against hers. She could feel her expression contort with displeasure. "Sterilisation."

Minato chuckled and blood splattered against the desk. _Mm_. "Yes. Sunagakure. I'm pleased to hear of its destruction. A mission success, I would say. S-rank payment for you all, since it was the destruction of one of the Five Great Shinobi Countries." he confirmed, flicking his blood tainted paper. "They had requested that you go to them or they would invade Konohagakure. So naturally, I fulfilled their wishes and achieved mine at the same time."

He reminded her of that red guy from that one Captain America movie, though it was a fuzzy memory because she was fairly sure that movie was boring and hardly memorable.

"We can go home now?" Mitsuki inquired, removing his face from her ribs to ask. When Minato's face slammed into the desk, they assumed that _yes_ , they could go home and boarded Carpet. Apparently Carpet was also related to the Invisibility Cloak from Harry Potter because it turned invisible on their journey home. She realised that she forgot Gaara, but then decided it was fine because he was with his _best buddy in the whole entire universe_.

When they returned home, Orochimaru gasped at the Uchiha eyeballs chilling on the kitchen counter as she began to make scrambled eggs that one of her neighbours gave her. Mitsuki sat patiently at the table, reading some scroll she didn't give any shit about. Prince sat on the cotton candy Parselmouth baby and conversed. New family pet. She was seeing a theme.

"Is this the Sharingan?" her husband questioned, picking them up with care. She hummed and she could feel his stare in the back of her head. "Are you giving this to me?" and with another hum, she yelped when he abruptly lifted her by her waist and spun her around.

"Bruh!" she exclaimed, attempting to hit him with her spatula. "Enough of your shit! I have scrambled eggs to make!"

The ecstatic and annoying piece of shit eventually listened to her, content to hold her by the waist and lean on her as she made her _goddamn scrambled eggs_. His face was bruised with spatula imprints though she felt he deserved more what with his _annoying_ increase in physical affection.

"There is this pain in my chest, because the way you make me feel is overwhelming." he whispered by her shoulder, prompting her to elicit a distinctly disgusted sound to which he chuckled at. _The bastard_. "This is the first time someone has ever gifted me something that I genuinely appreciate." because who wouldn't want bullshit eyeballs that she pulled out from some dead guy who was actually some evil albino from her apparent past?

"Stop being gross." she retorted. "In exchange, I would like for you to leave me alone for a while. I have this intense urge to hibernate or aestivate or something. I can't have you annoying me and preventing me from doing a thing I will blame on my dragon genes, yeah."

Orochimaru made some sort of whining sound. "But I would like to show my new Sharingan eyes to you once I've implemented them." he complained, to her exasperation.

"I like your eyes the way they are now." she said, without thought as it was true that golden snake eyes were better than simple black eyes. Then she once again realised her mistake when he stiffened. She let out a groan of her own shortcomings. "Why do I do this to myself?" she muttered, resigned.

 _However_ , despite her expected round two of helicopter spins he released her and stumbled back in pain. She frowned, turning around to see him leaning against the sink with a hand grasping at his chest. His breaths were laboured as if he was in great pain.

"My arousal… _overwhelms me_ …" he managed to convey to her.

She threw her spatula at him.

* * *

 **A/N:** Crack fluff? Crack fluff. Will Shun ever love Orochimaru? No. No, probably not. She could be fond of him though! Like one would be fond of a particularly annoying but sometimes cute pet. You know, how those male main characters feel towards the irritating shoujo bitch slut of a main character in some of those shoujo stories. Or is that just me?

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	15. Dimension Travels!

**A/N:** Miss me, bitches?

* * *

Hibernation turned out to be a weird thing where she would be chilling inside of a giant rainbow crystal cocoon thing, which happened to be in the corner of the master bedroom so it was without a doubt that Orochimaru would be doing some weird worshipping shit for however long she was asleep.

Hibernation also turned out to be a thing where she travelled dimensions and might have landed in the world of Harry Potter, because she found herself chilling on some droll and sort of itchy bed when pretty-but-lethal vibes came wafting off the random dark-haired kid who walked into the tiny room.

Glancing around, she thought the sight was familiar and realised that she was a child. Hearing the door click shut, she returned her focus towards the _creepy_ and possibly child version of Lord Voldewhore the One-Who-Must-Not-Possess-A-Nose. She blinked in mild annoyance when he continued to stare at her as if transfixed. It was like a thing between dark-haired boys.

"Hello." he greeted, with that proper English accent of his. "Who might you happen to be and why do you happen to be in my room?" he then inquired, all eloquent and shit. His dark eyes slid from her forehead to her eyes, alternating between the two locations as if they were points of interests. She knew the crystal would be, but not her eyes. She really needed a mirror, she supposed.

"Hello." she returned, blinking when he blinked. It was possibly the fact that they had the same accent though she was Asian, but she wasn't sure. "You can call me Shun. As for why I happen to be in your room…" she glanced around with resignation. "I don't know. I just let things happen half the time now."

Chibi Lord Voldewhore sat down in his desk chair, continuing his not-so-subtle examination of her being. She glanced down, to reveal that she was in some kind of old-fashioned dress that she vaguely remembered to be called a gymslip.

"Well, isn't that peculiar…" he murmured in thought, before blinking in realisation and leaning forward to hold a hand. "My apologies, I am Tom Riddle." which confirmed her speculation. _Fuck sake_.

Cautious but ultimately not, she grasped his hand and watched as he jolted at her touch before attempting to recollect himself without her noticing. He, of course, _failed_. Bringing her hand back to her side, she crossed her legs and stared at the wall.

"How old are you, Tom?" she queried, sliding her gaze over to him. He looked to be at least twelve, but best to be sure.

"I turn twelve in December." he answered, wearing that insincere and polite smile. "Yourself?"

She shrugged her shoulders, cracking her neck in the process. "No idea. Around twenty-seven, I think. Can't remember, honestly." when she was met with a skeptic frown, she smiled. "Well, how old do I look at the moment?"

"My age." he responded, once again eying her eyes and the crystal on her forehead. "Are you a witch?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm a dragon and I happen to speak Parseltongue." she replied, deciding that she just didn't much care about what happened anymore. She was in the crack Naruto universe, did some weird butterfly hibernation shit and got transported into the Harry Potter universe with a baby Dark Lord. _It didn't matter_.

His eyes went alight with intrigue. "Is that so?" to which she then responded with a dull confirmation. She assumed he was speaking in Parseltongue because he leaned back with his interest confirmed or something. "So you have no idea how you came to be in my room, but you're telling that you're a Parselmouth dragon?"

"Never met a dragon in humanoid form?" she questioned, though to her knowledge dragons in the Harry Potter universe didn't have humanoid forms. Vampires were a thing though. She wondered if she would hunt one down. _Nah_.

Tom shook his head. "So does the crystal in your forehead happen to be correlated to your status?"

She realised it was probably a bad idea to draw the attention of the future Dark Lord who was admittedly creepy but lacking in the intimidation department considering she was what she was. _She was done_. Although, magic and chakra were sort of similar but also different at the same time. She wasn't sure how everything worked. She thought that to be understandable, considering… _everything_.

"May I touch it?" at least he asked for permission, but for some reason she felt reluctant. In the end though, she nodded and he stood by the bed with his hand hovering over her forehead. "It is beautiful."

"Thank you… ?" she returned, though unsure because he said it in a vaguely sexual way. When he touched it, she could feel it far more than what she would have if he had poked her in the cheek. She swore to all things sane if that was her video game weak spot, she was going to _kill some dude_ and _eat them_.

Tom shivering brought her attention back to reality and he pulled away. He stared at his fingers, which happened to be covered in rainbow glitter. _What the fuck_ , indeed. "You certainly are interesting, Miss Shun." he murmured, drawing his wand.

If was going to pull some magic shit on her, she wasn't sure what she was going to do but it would be _painful_ for him. Instead, he pulled off the weird rainbow glitter off his fingers and inside of some random tube he happened to have on hand. Which was _fucking weird_?

"Would you be interested in accompanying me to Hogwarts after the holidays have ended?" he offered, looking her in the eye with the beginnings of _creepy obsession_ dancing in his gaze. _Mm_. _Bruh_.

"I don't know how long I'll be staying." she told him, looking to the door to see him random orphan girl staring at her with wide eyes. "Is she meant to be there?" she then inquired, which then lead to Tom doing some kind of binding shit with his magic stick and then… obliviating the girl or something. She thought that was the word.

"Do excuse that, cockroaches do so enjoy invading my space." he smiled at her in that charming way and she wondered if she was supposed to be _enamoured_ or some shit. That would be paedophilic and she'd just _rather not_.

She hummed as he closed the door in an ominous fashion, which made her hum a little stronger. He turned back towards her, eyes a dull red that sort of gave her the feeling that she was in some sort of nightmare that wasn't really affecting her. _Not yet_.

"I would be honoured if you would make the time to accompany me to Hogwarts." he stated, sitting beside her and sitting a little too close for comfort. Was it because she attracted snakes that this was happening? Was it because he was strongly associated with snakes? Was that it? _Was it_?

"Mm. I really don't know how long I'll be staying. The higher forces sort of do whatever they want." she responded, trying to lean away. He grabbed her hand and she felt like things were starting to radiate rape vibes. _Fucking twelve-year-olds_ , ruining her fucking life. Shit, man.

"Do I make you uncomfortable, Miss Shun?" he leaned in, with some sort of smug smile and she was just not interested. Her stomach clenched in disgust because _goddamn fucking twelve-year-olds_.

"Yeah." she admitted, straight up. "Because you know, you're twelve and I'm not interested."

Tom simply smiled, as if he was pleased by her honesty. Never a good thing, _no_. "I admit, I find myself highly attracted by you. Perhaps it is your aura or your scent, but there is something special about you." which in turn lead to her remembering certain Tom Riddle fanfictions where he would be enamoured by whoever the female protagonist was in the beginning of the story. That meant she was the protagonist. This was the part she would have cursed out random shit in some foreign language, if she knew any. _Everything_ was English to her.

"I'm a special type of dragon, I hear." she grimaced, feeling his hand slide from her wrist, up her arm and finally resting on the side of her neck. _Eugh_. "I wish I wasn't."

"But isn't it wonderful to be different?" he retorted, eyes alight with dark wonder. "To be above the dull masses, to reign supreme over them?"

She hummed. "It's not really my thing." she returned, despite the fact that it was kind of a thing that she was back in the crack Naruto world. "But you're different, Tom. You'll grow up to be something really different. Like a bald snake man with no nose and no sanity as you obsess over a baby, _then_ get defeated by said baby."

She smiled when he reeled back in shock and anger, the emotions reflected on his face. "What? How would you know that?" he demanded, though she noticed his hand was still on her neck and the pressure was tightening. Not that she could really feel much.

"I've seen the future of this world?" she offered, though her uncertainty seemed to anger him further as he pushed her down and attempted to do some bed pinning intimidation tactics. She held back delirious laughter because amount of done that she was, was overwhelming.

"I will be great, Miss Shun." he hissed, glaring down at her as she realised her dress had ridden up. That was _mildly_ uncomfortable. Oh, but she was wearing thigh-high socks. Those were nice. "And I will _not_ become what you say I will become."

"Whatever you say." she dismissed, folding her arms as she wondered when she was going to go home. Dealing with sociopathic twelve-year-olds was tiring. He pulled on her hair, in that childish manner that she expected from him. He looked almost pathetic in her eyes, staring down at her with the desperation of a scorned and unloved child. She herself was fond of his character, when he was a character.

Their moment of intense staring was interrupted when the door slammed open and someone yelled, " _Gotta catch them all_!" then threw a pokéball straight into Tom's spine. Tom then collapsed on top of her before he erupted in a white light and was sucked into said pokéball. Sitting up, she stared at the shaking pokéball then grabbed it when it clicked.

Looking up, she stared into the eyes of a _really fucking creepy Mr. Mime_. It smiled at her and she held the pokéball closer to her chest. She was once again, feeling the nightmare vibes as it simply stood there, by the door. Then it laughed in the way a broken clown doll would. _No_. Just… _no_.

" _Gotta catch them all_!" it screamed, pulling out another pokéball and flinging it at her. " _Gotta catch them all_! _Gotta catch them all or_ _ **I will die**_!"

Backhanding the pokéball, she kept eye contact with the insane Mr. Mime. "I'd like to go home now, higher forces." she murmured aloud, clutching the pokéball closer to her chest as she felt her hold on her current reality slip.

Mr. Mime advanced. " _Gotta catch them all_! _Come back Shun or_ _ **I will kill you**_!" it roared, then laughed as she somehow managed to stick herself to the ceiling.

"Now that's creepy, knowing my name and shit." she whispered, blowing towards it and setting it on rainbow fire. It screamed, slamming into the wall. "Go home. _Now_ , higher forces."

Breaking out of her cocoon, she watched as sparkles rained down around her then noticed Orochimaru chilling on the bed. "Shun." he greeted/purred/ _whatever the fuck_. "Paint me like one of your French girls."

She squinted at him, unimpressed. "Orochin-chin." she said. After a moment of weird eye contact, he broke and began to sob as he jumped from the bed and slammed her to him.

"My heart ached every moment you were gone." he managed to get out inbetween his gross sobbing. She steered them around to find shrine candles everywhere, some beads and some white stain on the wall. She… she _wouldn't_ ask about that.

"How long have I been asleep?" she inquired, pushing him away after five minutes and squinting at the snot and saliva on her shirt. He followed her into the kitchen as she realised she still had the pokéball ̶ which had somehow turned into a master ball ̶ in her hand. She put it in her pocket, just as Mitsuki slammed through the entrance and he too, _slammed into her_.

"Okaa-sama!" he yelled, still physically twelve. She returned his hug as he too, _grossly sobbed into her_. Orochimaru and Mitsuki were related, definitely. "Okaa-sama!"

"How long?" she asked again, meeting the eyes of Prince who landed on her counter.

"It's been eighty-four years." he answered and she was sure that was also a reference from somewhere. "Time is weird here though, so the only one who aged was Itachi." she raised her brow, to which he understood as a need for clarity. "He's twenty-one now."

"Fuck!" she swore, as her husband felt left out and hugged her from behind. " _Fuck_!" she swore again, ignoring Orochimaru's obligatory lick of her face. He shivered against her.

"Orochin-chin, if that is your pew-pew stick poking me…" she trailed off, closing her eyes in resignation as Mitsuki pulled back in disgust. She understood.

"It is." he confirmed and it was just like old times.

* * *

 **A/N:** First draft (yes, first drafts because this story actually means something to me now that people enjoy it) was about alternate universe baby Orochimaru and an attempted rape from snake father who might have been interested in Fifty Shades of Grey. I was like, nah bruh not this time.

However, I still wanted Pokemon to be involved due to all the hype of Pokemon Go. I am addicted, kill me. That being said, Mr. Mime came in after I realised that Tom and Shun were sort of getting along in terms of character interaction. Could almost mistake it for a non-crack story.

Also, pretty adult Itachi means shit for everyone. Especially Shun. Always Shun.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	16. Family Matters!

**A/N:** Hey, guys. I'm alive. What's up?

* * *

Considering she had been stuck in the apartment ̶ now renovated for new… _things_ ̶ for years, it was nothing to continue to stay there for over a month since she refused to go outside. The particular reason was because _baby weasel_ had turned into _adult weasel_ and it would just be trouble for everyone, really. Mostly her though, because creepy adult weasel face was obsessed with her and _her_ alone. The prospect of seeing him in the flesh, to see what he had become was something she wasn't really inclined to do.

Mitsuki and Orochimaru, of course, understood the sentiment and agreed with fervour. Her candy floss of a son had informed her of tentative friends that he had gained in her absence, which happened to include two thirds of Team Seven and one third of Team Eight. Apparently they were the more _sane_ of the lot, with the Hyuuga Heiress being some crazy chick that stalked Naruto and bombarded his house with aggressive love letters. Mitsuki stuck to her side as much as Orochimaru did, which reminded her that the latter drooled too much and that he was prone to taking random days off of being a shinobi to spend time with her.

Fortunately, he had somewhat mellowed out ̶ sort of, maybe, _not really_ ̶ and drooled less as he basically wrapped himself around her and attempted to meld her into him or something. Their son was not amused as they sat at the couch, with her attempting to watch weird ass TV shows as the two of them fought over her. It was a… draining experience, yet somewhat satisfying because it had felt like years since she had a bowl of home-made human gummy lollies.

Then she had cravings. "I demand ice-cream." she stated, attempting to sit up from her position within her husbando's arms. He clamped down on her and _slammed_ her back against his chest, prompting her to look up at him and glare. It was both annoying and reassuring that his pleasant, _dumbass_ smile had remained unchanged.

"Let Mitsuki-kun get the ice-cream." Orochimaru suggested in that light manner that was clearly too transparent to be subtle. "I wish to monopolise you in my arms, alone and with the end result of you and I having intercourse." which would be an unfulfilled wish.

Mitsuki, the darling, narrowed his eyes and was readying himself for attack. The slutty side character screamed as she was cut in half by a giant dildo. Saints Row seemed to pop up in her mind and she sighed in melancholy, missing the whole gaming thing. Orochimaru refused to buy one because he knew it would take up most of her time, which would then make him feel left out and force him to delete her save files when she wasn't playing.

That would lead to her busting out the dragon power and ruining their home.

" _You_ should get the ice-cream, otou-sama. You've been hogging okaa-sama and I don't appreciate it. I want to bond with okaa-sama as we watch strangely pornographic horror films." Mitsuki replied, glancing over to the TV where the jock side character tripped on a log and _died_. "Even if they're… really, really weird."

Her dickweed of a reptilian roommate sulked as she poked at his arms in a silent gesture for her to release him. It seemed that he was struggling between attempting to crush her against him or letting her go, which ended up with him ultimately letting go and watching her as she flopped onto Mitsuki. Said boy let out a startled yelp, struggling once under her weight before going limp in defeat.

"Fine. I will return. Enjoy your time with her while it lasts, Mitsuki-kun. The one who sexually violates her in a magnificent way is myself and myself _alone_." Orochimaru stood, extended his tongue to _lick her cheek_ and then left to go on his journey for ice-cream. Honestly, she just wanted him to get up and go into the kitchen.

The protagonist from the TV punched the antagonist in the face, ranting about the illogicality of their murderous plan. The antagonist let out a choking wheeze as he held his throat, looking mildly turned on. They _truly_ needed new movies. Everything had sexual undertones and/or boring super violence.

"Hey, okaa-sama." Mitsuki huffed from underneath her, prompting her to roll onto the ground with a drawn out sigh. Her adorable pet child leaned over the couch to smile down at her. "They built a beach. Do you think we can go there for Sakura-chan's birthday party?" he asked, his bright pink eyes hopeful. _Gross_.

She groaned. "When? Why?"

"In an hour." he answered after looking at the clock on the wall, his return met with her squinting eyes. "You wouldn't want me to miss one of my first friend's birthday party right, okaa-sama? The beach was just recently built too, it'd be fun." if he was trying to guilt-trip her, he was failing. _For shame_ , Mitsuki, _for shame_.

"What's in it for me?" was her query, because if she was going to finally venture going outside and to the beach of all places, there needed to be some sort of benefit for her. Orochimaru was guaranteed to come, probably carrying tubs of ice-cream along the way because he tended to buy all of the flavours. They had an _entire_ freezer dedicated to ice-cream. The other was one was dedicated to frozen human meat.

Mitsuki grinned in the childish way of his. _Little shit_. "We go buy a laptop and internet, I make sure otou-sama doesn't destroy it."

"Done." she answered, rolling over to stare at the TV. The antagonist was fighting with the protagonist, the fight similar to those action movies where they tended to be too close and drowning in sexual overtones. Sexual tension? _Both_? It was generally when the opponents were of the same sex, but not this time. Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

Her child hissed in success, rolling onto her and _smothering her_ with affection. She was too drained to retaliate. "I love you, okaa-sama! I'm glad you're back so I don't have to listen to otou-sama's disturbing ritual chants about you when I'm trying to sleep at night." he informed her, eliciting another squinty look from her.

"He… he made a cult, didn't he?" she chanced it, not liking the possibilities of answers.

Mitsuki nodded, solemn. "He and Fuckweasel are co-leaders. They convert people, warn them against making advances towards you when you returned, then proceed to fight and kill everyone in the process. Repeat that over and over." he explained, grimacing. "There's… there's also the other guys that have managed not to die. That's because they're on otou-sama's and Fuckweasel's level, so they'll definitely hit on you if they see you regardless of the warnings."

Her mind _grinded to a halt_ the same way it _burst into a thousand pieces_. "Please, no." she begged, ignoring the fight scene that had ended up with them sitting down and eating noodles. She could go for noodles. "Please."

The candy floss of a baby snake hugged her midsection, his hair in her face. "They call themselves Akatsuki."

Orochimaru stepped into the lounge room, seeing them on the floor and _immediately_ resorting to hissing in a threatening manner. "I knew you harboured incestuous feelings for my carnivorous sugar darling, you disgrace!" he seethed, putting the large bags of ice-cream on the kitchen counter and attempting to try and pull Mitsuki off her.

She looked at the ceiling with a dull, particularly done expression on her face as she too was lifted off the ground. "What."

"It's a long story." Mitsuki sighed, still holding onto her as Orochimaru continued to try pulling him off of her, hissing expletives all the while. "Otou-sama got a little delirious when you were gone. Started suspecting that I missed you because I love you in a romantic manner."

It was a brief summary, but she wasn't sure she could deal with the details either way so that was a plus. Her unhealthy husbando gave up, grabbing her instead and making her stand. Mitsuki clung on for dear life, wrapping his legs around her as well now. The smile she was looking at was _ominous_ and _worrying_ as he crushed their child between them.

"There are many ideas I have come to create in our time apart." he began, that pleasant smile and mischievous twinkle in his eyes discomforting. She tried to lean back, only to have him press his forehead against hers. "They kept me entertained as I went through a slideshow of photos filled with you. I recorded every single one of them, we should watch that instead."

She was interrupted from replying to that when a high-pitched, _highly_ grossed out scream pierced her ears and she began to shake with all the intense squirming Mitsuki was employing. It… it didn't seem like this was going to end pleasantly. _Not at all_.

"It's _touching_ me! No! Gross! Stop it! _Yamete_!" her beautiful, currently pitiful child began to swear in Parseltongue about not being able to sleep for days. She understood, that _poor_ child.

They'd have to put the ice-cream in the freezer soon, because she'd rather not have them melting. "You haven't mellowed out at all, yeah." she deadpanned, grabbing his face to push him away. He managed to wrap his tongue around her hand as he obeyed her and released her, thereby freeing their child from being violated by the love sword of justice. That belonged to his father who did that on purpose.

She took back her hand, her other one rubbing the back of her child that clung to her and sobbed in despair. A frown made its way to her face, one that was rather resigned but still not really accepting what just happened.

Orochimaru's eyes were dark with triumphant glee and _low-key_ sexual desires as he licked his lips. Her response was to cough out a disgusted gag, her stomach twisting as she took a step back and wiped saliva from her hand using Mitsuki's shirt.

"You have a very limited idea of what your absence has done to me, Shun." he revealed to her, all purring and _gross-like_. Her _nonsensical plot movement_ senses were steady and ready to fly off the handle and _punch_ her in the face. His expression became tortured, almost. "It was my own personal hell, where I continued to live without you in what felt like an endless cycle. You were so close to me, yet so far."

"Uh…" she let out, her expression now one of disturbed uncertainty. What the _fuck_ was she supposed to say to that? "My bad?" she tried, which came out rather forced and insincere. Mitsuki quietened down to sniffles, still shaking from the trauma.

"It would have destroyed me if you had come back with another male, a male who spent time alone with you for unknown periods of time. That would have been horrible, especially if he was associated with snakes and therefore had a higher chance with you." he continued, stepping forward to caress her cheek.

Her eyes were wider than she usually had them. "Well, I mean, yeah. Right. Uh, so we're going to the beach in like an hour or so for Mitsuki's friend's birthday party."

Orochimaru's eyes lit up with it was _his_ birthday. "Will you be wearing a bikini?" he queried, because _of course he did_.

She genuinely thought about it. "I mean, maybe?" she grimaced, already regretting her words.

Her husbando's unsheathed sword reminded her of its existence with a _twitch_.

"Fuck my life." Mitsuki whispered and she wholeheartedly agreed.

* * *

 **A/N:** I was reminded that whilst writing this story, I myself don't know what happens. There will be the obligatory beach chapter, probably with some ring-wearing bishounens because it's the perfect setup. Anyway! Hi, sorry I took however long that I took. New people will now understand the frustration of liking my stories. I apologise.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	17. Family Bikini Shopping!

**A/N:** Shorter than what I've set up as a small standard for myself. It's because I'm dying. And probably building up the BEACH DAY.

* * *

Konoha was turning out to be just like a major city from her former world, with skyscrapers and technology minus cars and stuff. She honestly wasn't sure what to make of it all, except that she wasn't liking that people were freaking out over her and her family flying around on Carpet. The ground basically became a sea of bright flashes, accompanied by screams of her name and the occasional underwear being thrown up.

She could _smell_ that they were unwashed.

Orochimaru was being a _slightly_ good tongue slut, sitting content to sit on one side of her as Mitsuki clung to her back in desperate need for maternal comfort. However, he managed to convince Carpet to make a detour to a clothing store selling bikinis, because he was determined to have her wear one. Not that she particularly minded, it was just that she figured he wouldn't want anyone else to see her in a bikini.

"I need more pictures of you frolicking around the beach in a bikini." was his simple answer as they entered the store and was greeted by an assistant. The assistant backed off when Orochimaru hissed, leaving them to browse their wares unattended. "I need more pictures of you in general. Some have been dirtied."

She made a face and leaned away from him, Mitsuki grumbling some words of disgust from his position at her back. Piggy backs weren't something she did often, but she couldn't get him off so he just remained there as her traumatised turtle shell.

"I have established it to the insignificant population that you are _mine_ and I will not brutally murder them if they understand and back off." he explained to her, examining a swimsuit that was made of strings more than anything else. He put it back with a sulk when she slapped his arm and his bone _cracked_.

"There are others like Itachin-chin." she replied, fingering the fabric of one bikini top. She couldn't feel much, except that it was in her hands. "You know, the other members of your cult?"

Bringing up his cult seemed to abruptly remind him that they could be anywhere, which lead him to whipping his head around and glaring at everything. She sighed as she passed by him, using a one piece swimsuit to wipe the drool from his mouth. It was offensive to her eyes and deserved to drown in her husbando's drool.

Mitsuki spat in his father's face. Scrambled eggs _would_ be made when they went home.

"I hope Kakuzu-sama takes you away from otou-sama." her fluffy bunny child hissed, tightening his hold on her and setting an ugly orange bikini on fire with his breath. She gasped, feeling a sense of _pride_ for the fact that he could blow sparkly pink fire.

"Hold on." she frowned, throwing the flaming bikini behind her in search for another as someone began to scream about fire. She heard Orochimaru hiss and then a thud. "Why Kakuzu?"

Mitsuki nuzzled her neck before responding. "Kakuzu-sama is… normal-ish. He also said you were priceless when I gave him one of otou-sama's photos of you, in an attempt to get him to leave since your photos sell for a lot."

She made a face of distaste. "Ew."

"We should leave." Orochimaru suggested from behind her, prompting her to turn around and see the charred corpse of an employee by her husbando's feet. "I have found a rainbow bikini that sparkles and it is fabulous. Let us go."

A camouflage bikini went up in flames, then another and soon the entire shop was on fire. Someone screamed about fucking lizards, which she assumed was about her and her family in some derogatory manner. Orochimaru threw a kunai and the same person screamed in pain instead.

She blinked, processed the moment, then made her way to the entrance with her family to meet with Carpet.

"We leave a trail of destruction where ever we go." Mitsuki whispered, to which she sighed at. First time she left the house in months ̶ years, if she were to get technical ̶ and they set a bikini shop on fire and murder a few insignificant citizens.

Her train of thought was wondering if it was okay not to pay for the rainbow bikini that sparkled, then thought that it wouldn't matter since the shop was burning down and people were screaming in agony. She shrugged, taking a seat on carpet just as the fire spread to the jewellery shop next to it. There was a blink as Orochimaru sat beside her, Carpet rising from the ground to begin their journey over to the _giant ass beach theme park thing_.

"Did otou-sama buy a swimsuit?" Mitsuki queried with a whisper, distaste practically rising from his pores as he eyed his father's exposed back. Said father whipped his head around, a _creepily_ pleasant smile plastered onto his face. "Never mind."

She hummed with disapproval before just running her hand down his face in a futile effort to get him to just… _stop_. Unfortunately, Orochimaru just didn't know _how_ to stop.

"Don't wear a swimsuit, please." was her request, because he was the type to wear speedos or something have that choice go horribly wrong. _Horribly_. When he pouted and began to drool, she was tempted to backhand him so hard that he would fly off Carpet and slam into one of the skyscrapers. It'd be a re-enactment of Man of Steel.

"It is a suitable exchange for the sparkly rainbow bikini." he then nodded, his tongue elongating until the tip poked her nose. Her expression was wiped from her face as she had to register how _done_ she was with him, sometimes. "Do not talk to strangers. I will kill them."

He smiled that innocent smile, the sun shining down on him as sparkles began to appear and time slowed down to savour the moment of apparent majestic imagery. She almost forgot that happened from time to time, because the Higher Forces were _weirdo cunts_.

Mitsuki used his tongue to jab his father in the throat, effectively ruining the moment. She clenched her chest in pain, disgusted discomfort marring her features. "I think I adore you. _Eugh_." she gasped out.

Her cotton candy traumatised sugar plum laughed in deranged triumph as her husbando contemplated using his own tongue to strangle himself.

What she realised, in that moment, was that her day had _just_ started.

* * *

 **A/N:** I was like, this chapter is sort of short and chill, you know? Then I realised that I had a weirdo celebrity lizard family go to a bikini store and then proceed to burn it and its employees. It just says something about this story, I'd say. Hopefully, the BEACH DAY is the next chapter and then I can low-key put in other story ideas to make a bullshit backstory plot.

(What do they call it? Shameless plugging, yes. Seal of the Maelstrom (previously Seal of the Uzumaki) has been revamped. Only one real chapter, but hey, perhaps check out how fucking different the tone is in comparison to this one. Orochimaru is still a main character, because I think I'm fond of him. Yay.) Anyway, bye.

((No, I'm back. Hi. Just saying, might be looking for a new summary for this story. So you know, send me a summary and it might become the new summary.)) Okay, now I say bye. For real, now.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	18. Beach Day Begins!

**A/N:** It's only the beginning, guys. It's only the beginning.

* * *

 **"We interrupt your day to tell you that if you have decided to stay at the beach today, you are going to** _ **die**_ **. It will most likely be quick and painful. You are insignificant and unworthy, your lives do not matter. There is nothing you can do to change that, so run. Leave this place and continue to live with your insignificance. Unless you wish to die. We understand your suffering. Good day!"**

Mitsuki, now dressed in a simple singlet and blue board shorts, clung to her waist rather than her back and squinted at everything. Orochimaru stood at her other side, wearing a yukata and matching shorts rather than the skanky swimsuit he'd shown her beforehand.

They'd been standing near the entrance when the announcement was made, with numerous heads turning and eyes lighting up in realisation when they landed on her and her family. A mild frown marred her face whilst the rest of her was pulling off the sparkly rainbow bikini. She forgot about the tattoo marking things.

"Sakura-chan's party should be over in section B." her child pointed in the general direction, before retracting his hand back around her midsection once more. Making a glance at her other reptilian family member, she could see that he was angrily hiss-drooling and it was uncomfortable to look at.

With a sigh, she began to walk just as insignificant civilians began to hurry out of the beach. They passed her, one woman complimenting her before said woman screamed when Orochimaru killed the male companion that wolf-whistled. The insignificant civilians walked faster after that. Poor bastards.

As strangely familiar pop music began to play through the speakers, she was beginning to grow a little wary the further they walked along the beach to wherever Sakura's party was meant to be. There were a few insignificant citizens that were still around, becoming effective background extras that would likely _die_ at some point later that day. However, she was getting an… _ominous_ feeling from the ocean, though it was beautiful and magnificent.

It felt like some kind of sea monster was staring at her from under the water and she just _didn't_ want Cthulhu to burst out of there and claim they would make beautiful half-dragon, quarter-octopus, quarter-man baby things. With dread, she realised that Cthulhu had dragon blood in it and her imagination was starting to bring forth a pool of discomfort in her stomach.

Or perhaps it was something else entirely, like perhaps a wild Sasori that managed to _not_ rot in the ocean. She wasn't enjoying the thought of all of Akatsuki together, since _one_ was already too much.

"Mitsuki-kun!" a voice called out to her son, bringing her thoughts back to reality to stare at a seven-year-old Sakura dressed in a cherry-themed swimsuit.

Sakura ran up to the weirdo lizard family, since Mitsuki was tempted to let go of her midsection but was ultimately unable to release her. She wasn't sure if that meant there needed to be like, _a family talk_ or something because her absence just seemed to do things to the people around her. She'd rather not, honestly, because if crack got serious she'd probably implode.

"Sakura-chan." her cotton candy baby bean greeted from his position at her side, the tremors transferring from him to her relaxing minutely. With a glance down to her little dragon bud, then to Sakura, whose fern eyes sparkled in the light. Ah. _Ah_. She needed a camera for this momentous realisation.

Orochimaru made a contemplative sound from her other side, drawing their attention. His eyes bored into a tiny Sakura's, who merely gave a polite smile. "Is this the female you wish to mate with, Mitsuki-kun?" he queried in that casual, no nonsense manner of his.

Mitsuki's grip on her waist tightened as he hissed filthy insults his father's way, his bubblegum-haired friend's polite smile straining. "Sakura-chan, this is my otou-sama and okaa-sama. Okaa-sama is _obviously_ superior, so please interact with her only from now on, okay?"

Sakura looked at her son, then up to her with inquisitive and sparkling eyes. Her own eyes squinted down at the tiny former main female character of canon, not quite liking the blatant awe creeping into the child's eyes.

"So you're Shun-sama!" the girl exclaimed, excited. "I've heard a lot about you, especially from Kurama-kun who says you're like a god or something! Actually, I've heard a lot about you from a lot of people, I mean, you're famous! There's even a statue of you naked in the town market!"

Orochimaru and Mitsuki hissed at the apparent reminder, whilst she simply let a drawn out sigh leave her lips. _Of course_.

"I thought we shrunk that and stored it in one of the scrolls." her little spawn seethed, looking around her to glare at his father, whose similar expression reminded her that they were indeed father and son despite everything.

"We did. It is with my altar, now reinforced with gold." her husbando confirmed, looking in the distance where Sakura's beach party house was more reminiscent to a university-styled party than a kid's. People of all ages were acting like drunkard and high young adults, with a toad or slug here and there.

It admittedly looked kind of nice, if a bit wild and that exactly didn't denote that it'd be a peaceful party.

She was _absolutely_ assured of this when she looked out into the ocean, only to pause and watch as the world worked in slow motion to fully capture the _radiance_ of Itachi the bishounen fuckweasel's arrival. The sun shone down, making everything _sparkly_ as he walked towards the shore as if he were a god in only navy board shorts.

Instinctively, her lip curled back when he ran a hand through his hair and locked an intense gaze onto her. He was all sparkly and pretty and _intense_ , it was so gross that she gagged and legitimately felt like she was about to throw up.

The abs were going to blind her with their sheer sparkly nature, or maybe it'd take an eye out. The unfortunate thing about it all was that she _couldn't look away_ from the slow motion capture, since it was a movie moment and people just weren't allowed to look away from such a movie character reveal. Or maybe the worst thing was that he was _beautiful_ , which just made everything even more gross.

With that realisation, the gagging turned into a distressed sobbing, because she knew _shit was going to go down_.

"Shun-sama." a deep, smooth, _wonderfully disgusting_ voice uttered her name. She began to curl in on her herself, Mitsuki forced to let her go and establish a father-son barricade so that _one_ bane of her existence couldn't come through and touch her inappropriately.

"Step back, fucknut." Mitsuki sneered, twitching from adrenaline and from being right next to his horrible father.

She could feel eyes roaming all over her and she felt terribly violated, deciding to just sit down and hide her face. "Why me? Why?" she whispered over and over in a frantic chant. Why did the higher forces forsake her?

"How long has she been back, _Orochimaru-san_?" Itachi inquired in that calm but threatening manner of tone, which just made everything _worse_ as her nose began to twitch at his scent. She sneezed.

She could hear her husbando's smirk in his tone. "A while now, but as I am her husband I believe it is my right to take up all her time, rather than you. You are filth, unworthy. Your new appearance changes nothing."

Chancing a look, she made a face of surprised discomfort at seeing how _close_ Orochimaru and Itachi were standing with their intense eye staring contest tension. Mitsuki took this chance to grab an intrigued Sakura and bring the girl closer to her, before putting himself in front of the _goddamn_ tongue sluts. _Wonderful child_.

Unblinking, wet Itachi smirked. "You say that you are her husband, yet there is no ring exchanged to announce that it is a mutual arrangement. You have not even touched her lips with your own, or exchanged saliva in a passionate display."

She gagged harder, finding it so hard to breathe with how _uncomfortable_ she was with _everything_. "Oh, god kill me now." she coughed out, standing up and beginning to stagger over to the ocean so that she could attempt to _drown herself_ in water rather than unadulterated disgust. "Fuck this, fuck it all."

 _However_ , she was prevented from doing such a thing when _some fucking bird_ burst out from the sand and dragged her up into the sky, distressed sounds of her family growing quieter the higher she went. Unable to compute properly, she abruptly found herself pressed against the side of some dude whose _hand tongue_ was licking at the skin at her waist.

Heaving a sigh, she registered the rough and masculine laugh of triumph just as the clay bird began to drop down at a level where the blonde art weirdo of the cult could gloat without being on the ground. It wouldn't save him, of course.

"Ha! Suck on that, Itachi! I've taken the one thing you truly value and now she's mine! How does it feel to finally lose for once, you Sharingan using piece of shit?!" the bomber taunted, his laughter beginning to take on a delirious note as she realised that his palm mouth was giving her a hickey.

Itachi stared up at her captor, unblinking eyes _far_ colder than what she'd seen from him so far. With seething Orochimaru at his side, they looked like a rather threatening pair of tongue sluts. Though, it would seem it'd soon become a trio of tongue sluts. Also, glistening shirtless Itachi was making her want to stab him in the throat.

"I let you live once, Deidara." Fuckweasel intoned. "I will not repeat such a mistake again." then, like a shounen manga, his eyes bled red. The Mortal Kombat theme played in her head.

She motioned for Mitsuki to bring Sakura back to her party, who reluctantly listened, knowing that at the end of the day she'd most likely be physically fine. Mentally was another thing, but that was nothing new. He needed the time off anyway, the unfortunate child of a fucked up marriage.

"I suppose that this calls for a truce." Orochimaru scowled, his determined gaze boring into her. She hoped that her expression revealed how done she was with all of them. "Wait for me, my shiny dragon maiden! I will obliterate this fool and then we can make Mitsuki-kun number two the traditional way!"

Deidara met her eyes with a raised brow. "Does that make you a MILF? Since you have a husband and a son, even though the circumstances are confusing and weird. That's kind of hot, yeah." was his _profound_ statement, a winning grin plastered on his slightly effeminate face. She wasn't sure, but she thought that she felt his hand mouth bite her.

"Yeah, man." she drawled, her attempted smile turning into grimace. "I make people hot, yeah."

Then she blew into his face and set him on fire. With a sigh, she decided it was war.

* * *

 **A/N:** I don't have many things planned, but I have a feeling this particular day will span over a few chapters. It will probably be intense, or it might surprise us with some chill shit. It will probably be uploaded far later than this one, or I might be on my roll again. Who knows, we're on this journey together.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	19. Unexpected Mermaids!

**A/N:** Guys, I don't know what happened. But more beach stuff next chapter.

* * *

After Deidara's face made contact with his blowy-blowy explosion clay bird thing and set it on fire as well, she jumped from it and watched with trepidation as the two morons below began to push and shove at each other to catch her. Orochimaru was about to extend his tongue to catch her first, but to her nonsurprise she was _yet again_ whisked away.

Some disgusting puppet thing grabbed her then dropped her into the arms of Sasori, who somehow had become a mermaid with a pretty red tail and was currently chilling on the surface for her. Why? How? She didn't know, she… She'd care later, _probably_.

He looked down at her with hickory-coloured eyes through his uneven bangs ̶ admittedly sort of aesthetically pleasing ̶ but she was more concerned with the fact that he was slimy and she could _distinctly_ feel how cold that shit was. It was highly, _highly_ , uncomfortable and disturbing. Even more so when he smiled at her and then dived into the ocean with Orochimaru's furious roars, Deidara's pained cursing and the thrum of party music fading into the distance.

"I've missed you, Shun-sama. I'm pleased to see that you're even more visionary than the day I met you, especially with your choice of bikini." Sasori murmured to her, surprisingly clear to her ears as she realised she was being carried down into the depths of the ocean by a slimy puppet mermaid ̶ merman? With a resigned sigh, she opted to ignore that fact and the other one where she could breathe underwater.

Looking up, she noticed the blur of explosions dance above the surface of the water, Orochimaru's literal giant snake popping into existence and crashing into the ocean. Sasori's mermaid tail became a blur, propelling them faster towards the deep dark crack that lead to the bottom of the ocean. It reminded her, strangely, of a helicopter propeller and it was a strange image to conjure.

"Where are we going?" she drawled in question, idly staring up at a reluctant Manda swimming after her with a master who was struggling to breathe. She'd rather him _not_ die via drowning, it wasn't a death worthy of his _glorious_ name.

Sasori's puppets ̶ also turned into weird puppet mermaid hybrid things ̶ emerged from the darkness of the sea, passing her and her captor to attack her husband and his giant pet snake.

Orochimaru looked genuinely anguished as her body passed some sort of threshold and her vision of him began to fade, which made her rather uncomfortable because she realised that she didn't much like that expression. His outstretched hand faded to nothing.

Looking ahead, she blinked upon noticing that they were heading towards another surface, her _nonsensical plot movement_ senses blaring up. The rays of the sun danced against the surface and she dreaded what would appear the moment they broke through.

"After my unfortunate abandonment in the ocean, I managed to find a portal to an alternate reality in which the people are ancient and with peculiar eyebrows. It's been quite the artistic adventure." Sasori explained, just as they reached the surface and she squinted at the sunlight invading her vision.

It took her a moment to notice that they were in a lake, rather than an ocean. It was a little disorientating. "How did you turn into a mermaid?" she questioned him instead, because it was starting to weigh on her mind.

He didn't respond, opting to take her to the bank of the lake and set her down before gazing intrusively into her eyes. Her fingers twitched as she resisted the urge to poke them.

"Magic." he answered and she knew that he was serious, even as he conjured glitter from _nowhere_ and threw it into the air above them. "He told me that I would have a better chance with you if I were to become a mermaid. 'Because bitches love mermaids' or something similar."

She blinked, then proceeded to stare at him for a full minute as he caressed her legs. "Let's play the pronoun game," she murmured, because her being attracted to be male with a fish tail was something she wasn't going to bother with, "who is 'he'?"

His fingers were tracing one of her random ass tribal markings and she was fighting the temptation to burn him and see what puppet mermaids tasted like. The temptation was growing with each moment he continued to stare into her soul.

Sasori opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted when the sound of a bicycle bell drew their attention. She turned, to stare at the sight of a grown ̶ and shirtless ̶ man appear from the shadows of the forest on a pimped out tricycle.

"'Tis I, Indra!" he announced, sharp and serious eyes unable to be taken seriously as he hit his tricycle bell once more. The wheels were squeaking under his weight as he was furiously pedalling towards her and it was overall a disconcerting image to deal with, if she were to ignore the artistic merman thing burying his slimy face in her chest. "Bow down to me, peasant!"

She twitched when a tongue licked at her collarbone, prompting her to backhand Sasori into the lake before she stood up and walked towards a pimpin' Indra. He glared up at her, since his ride was on the small side of things.

"Are you the magic man?" she inquired, undoing her bun to fix it.

He squinted before he deigned to respond. "I have a magical penis that grants wishes if you suck it. It sparkles, do you want to see?"

Ignoring him, she turned back to see Sasori have his tail turn into legs before he exited the lake. "Yes." he answered before she even asked, meeting her eyes with a piercing gaze. "I did the fellatio with a sparkling magic penis to become a mermaid, all for you."

Her response was to frown a little, her mind attempting to make room in her bullshit storage. "We were just meant to go to the beach and attend my son's crush's birthday party." she whispered, but she knew that things would always go to shit. "I need to take pictures of him flustered or with a stripper, so I can plaster them on the wall."

"You have a son?" Indra raised a brow, however short and noble it was. "Do you need a man to help raise it? Because I'm sure we of the Big Balling Bamboo clan can help. BBB, for short. Big Booty Bitches has been a popular thing too, actually."

"I have a husband, though he's incompetent as a father." she sighed, hoping that if they created any more children in a lab that he would not traumatise them with his junk.

Sasori gave a light scoff as he stood in all his naked glory, thick slime slowly making its way down his body. "By legalities only. It couldn't even be considered an affair if you were to find a harem to be your dirty slaves. I am willing to be one of them."

She winced at his suggestion. "That's not my thing, yeah." then she jumped when Indra slapped her ass, her expression clearly irritated as she turned to make uncomfortable eye contact with him.

He licked his hand, unblinking in his gaze.

"That's right. Uchiha." she sneered, kicking at his front wheel and sending him toppling over his tricycle.

Indra let out an anguished and also mildly furious cry. "How dare you, gorgeous goddess!" he exclaimed, outraged as he stood to his full glory. She had to step back because he was actually tall as fuck. "Do you know what it means to make a man fall over his tricycle?!"

A dull blink. "Riding tricycles has a custom thing to them?"

He smirked, briefly glancing to the red-haired weirdo who rested his chin on her right shoulder. "It means you must marry me by sundown." his head snapped to the sky, where the sky was only just beginning to turn orange. "Here, we are gods. You smell like us, however mutated your scent is. Forget your former world, forget your son and your previous husband. You will start anew here."

Sasori, still naked, grasped her waist and began to steer her towards the forest after Indra mounted his tricycle, which was then proceeded by furious pedalling again.

She remained silent, idly wondering if she'd be okay with leaving that world of madness behind for another. Her gut churned and she made a face in response.

"I got attached to a reptilian tongue slut." she breathed, astounded. " _Gross_."

* * *

 **A/N:** What happened and why? I don't know, but every ten chapters we go to a new POV, so back to the beach in the next chapter. Surprisingly though, I think this story could actually end with the next chapter. Like this weird ass beginning of the climax of the story, you know? I don't know, but it's likely. I went into this not knowing what the fuck was going to happen. If things do end with the next chapter, I might make a sequel where we delve more into Shun's mysterious past with Shisui and whatnot. We'll see.

Thank you all for existing so far and using part of your existence to experience the word vomit of my brain.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


	20. A Lazy Conclusion!

**A/N:** Greetings. It's been while and I apologise for being incompetent. Even though it would've been cool to write all about the annihilation of the Big Booty Bitches, I doubt I'd ever get to it. So you get this hasty cop out. My bad.

* * *

Orochimaru blinked, his focus adjusting until he came to the peculiar conclusion that he was in a type of ethereal garden. A bemused frown contorted his expression then, for he could not remember much up until this point. What happened?

There was something with a clan that referred to themselves as the Big Booty Bitches, he recalled. Frowning down at the luscious grass, he attempted to remember more than that. His attempt somewhat succeeded, as he remembered that this so called Big Booty Bitches clan had tried to steal… his wife?

Yes, he realised, his eyes widening recollection. Shun, his beloved big booty dragon darling.

"Yo, Orochin-chin." greeted a familiar voice; one that made him shiver in delight before he whirled around to find its owner. His gaze landed on her form immediately, finding her sitting on a boulder by a nearby lake of blinding sparkliness.

He almost shrieked with delight, flinging himself in her direction to embrace her wholly. Her startled yelp and instinctive kick to his stomach did nothing to dissuade him, and soon he was embracing her and straddling her at the same time. It was wondrous, and his body reacted with ecstasy.

Shun elicited various disturbed groans, pushing against him and even bucking him. However, when he moaned, she ceased immediately. It was a shame, but his darling is such a shy love baby. How he adored her.

"I have missed your touch." he whispered, his tone reverent as he readjusted to wrap his arms around her midsection and use her beautiful breasts as pillows. "Such joy, I feel. But where are we, I wonder? Is it a place where you and I may finally consummate our relationship like Adam and Eve?"

"Fuck off, yeah." Shun scoffed, her hand tangled in his hair and roughly pulling at it. It strained his scalp and he revelled in the pleasurable pain that would always exist because of her. "This is just some random ass place that the Higher Forces created. Now get off."

He opted to not listen. She secretly liked his touch, he was certain. "The Higher Forces want us together, then? I am immeasurably pleased." he responded, but it was vaguely muffled since he decided to bury his face into her breasts. The grip on his hair tightened even more, and he sighed in contentment. He loved her.

Shun's chest moved as she sucked in a deep breath to slowly exhale. The tenseness in her body abruptly disappeared, meaning that she had given in to his arousing touch.

"I hate the world." she muttered, sounding defeated. Perhaps it was true that the Higher Forces wanted them together, after all? "We're here because this is essentially some fucked up conclusion to our story, yeah. Like, I can barely remember what the fuck happened because they were lazy and decided to skip over everything. Pretty sure you just popped up out of fucking nowhere and murdered everyone. Then ate Sasori, which I think was kind of grossly sexual."

Orochimaru finally removed his face from her boobs to look at her face. It was neutral, until she looked upon his visage and it shifted into something of sheer disgust. He looked down, realising that he was drooling onto her breasts. Using his sleeves, he wiped it away whilst also masterfully fondling her assets with great appreciation.

"I do not understand what you mean." he returned, but he did notice that he felt strange and that his memories were extremely hazy.

He let her sit up, so now he was happily straddling her lap. She gave him a slow, displeased blink. He leaned in and licked the side of her face to cheer her up, which worked as she smacked the side of his head in response. He would like to have sexual intercourse with her now, but she needed to explain their circumstances.

"This is the end for us." Shun stated, frowning down at his erection like it was an offensive existence that was touching her. Truly, it meant that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. "Our story. Apparently, there's a new version of us in the works. Over there."

He turned to where she pointed, and Orochimaru blinked as he noticed two children standing not too far away. They stood together, their hands joined and the both of them smiling at one another. He recognised that one was him, though the other was less identifiable.

It was a beautiful child, with a strange allure that was very similar to his Shun. Her hair was longer, however, tied in a long braid that reached the back of her knees and glinted with strange trinkets woven within it. Her face wasn't entirely accessible from his angle, but her skin tone was the same as Shun's.

"It is you in a chequered yukata!" he exclaimed in clear excitement, clutching at her and pressing himself further into her. Shun gagged and her body shook. She must be overwhelmingly delighted by his own enchantment with the situation. "They are us!"

"Yeah…" Shun breathed, apparently in great pain. She gagged again. "It seems that I like you more there, and you're not as fucked up. Thank fuck, because no one needs another you as you are now. Christ."

Orochimaru gasped, before erupting in giggles. She already adored him, of course, so for this smaller version of her to like him even more? Stupendous, truly!

"They will be happy like us?" he questioned, watching as the children pressed their foreheads together. They looked harmonious; meant to be; like true soulmates. Just like himself and Shun!

Shun sounded as though she was trying not to hyperventilate. "Mm. They're cute and gross, so most likely. Now get off. It's time to go back."

"Can we have sexual intercourse when we return?" Orochimaru queried, as he reluctantly released her.

She blinked up at him, her hair dishevelled and her clothes wet from drool. "No."

Another time, then, he thought.

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N:** Now Disgust of the Crack is officially completed. Again, sorry for the blatant lack of care for the conclusion of the story, but in a cracky way, it sort of fits. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Immortality with the Dragon Lady and make it marginally better, ha. Although not as NaNoWriMo challenge, because I clearly failed at that for 2017.

Thank you for having read this weird ass story. I hope it was entertaining in some way for you.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre.


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